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* To the Solo Dad walking his little girl at the park. You are probably married, I have to confess that it makes you even hotter. ;) The way you seem to entirely enjoy every moment with your daughter. The way you swing her around. The hugs & canoodles. You might be happy in your marriage, maybe not. Maybe you're feeling like you're getting old & missing out on fun & the good old days. But really, you have everything you ever dreamed of, right in your arms, that weighs about 30 lbs & has blonde curly hair that smells of apples & sunshine. Nothing a woman can ever give you, would match what peace & love & importance you share w/ your little girl. But just so ya know, I drool over you everytime I see you...;)
* To the Retail worker. You are so ... unaffected by everything around you. You have no idea how cute you are. You wear these black khakis that fit your ass like a glove. I want to rip them off you whilst you help me find ink toner. ;) You run 'round like mad, doing your job. Maybe feeling that no hottie notices you, but she does. She wants to ask you for your # but your titanium wedding band's enormity scares her shitless. Maybe a drink sometime? Or not. Either way, you don't belong in a retail store. You could model. You could be a anything you wanted. Better yet, you could crawl into my bed tonight.
* To the Not-so-Fit Guy at the Gym. You have BALLS! To walk into a gym, knowing you'll have big muscle-heads grunting over their weights, long & lean runners trucking it on the treadmills ever so effortlessly & then the hotties who walk around wearing low-slung yoga pants & sports bras. All so intimidating & especially so since you're not in the greatest shape. But you go, faithfully every day or other. And you pant & sweat & think you're going to die. You walk & try to jog a bit. You lift 20 lbs dumbells with strain. But you do it. You do it for yourself & for your health. For your children, your wives or your future love life. You did it to shut your asshole friends up. You do it to get laid. But when you're feeling low or discouraged, just know that I'm right next to you on the treadmill, lookin' fine in MY low-slung yoga pants & sports bra. Running & increasing my incline/speed to push & motivate you. You CAN do it. I notice you. I want to strike up a conversation & tell you how much I admire you & your efforts. And maybe let ya know that I think you're cute, chubb & all. Keep it up!
* To the Quiet Husband at the restaurant w/ your wife. I sit there wondering how you've restrained yourself from stabbing her eye out w/ a butter knife! You sit there listening to her drone on & on about her manicurist f*&king up her nails. How she questions you every five minutes if her ass is getting bigger. How she wants to enroll the kids in equestrian school to 'season' them properly. How she & 'the girls' are going out for drinks later, 'you can put the kids to bed, right honeeee?'. How she wants to plan a trip to Bali. 'Have you checked our 401K Honeeeee?' & 'Honeee, are you even listening to a goddamned word I'm sayinggggggg?' 'Why are you just sitting there saying NOTHING?' ' I bet you can't wait to get away from mEEEEEEE. WhateVER! Waitress, another Cosmos. HELLO! Jesus Christ, are these girls braindead???' AND all I want to do is rip her f*&king blonde extensions back & say, 'BITCH, your husband isn't talking b/c you won't shut your f*&king mouth! You drink, paint, bleach, primp, wear & snort every cent your husband is making. The least you can do is SHUT THE FUCK UP! Yes, you're hot. But if you put your husband's most likely gorgeous c*ck in your mouth more often, not only would that quiet YOU down but he might actually WANT to talk to you, spend time w/ you, enjoy you; instead of walking out the front door to meet his 18 yr old intern every lunch hour. You put so much effort into your appearance & social status & priming your children into little elite soldiers, that you're missing the true beauty of everything you already have. SHUT YOUR MOUTH ONCE IN AWHILE. LEARN TO CLEAN YOUR OWN TOILET. TIP YOUR MANICURIST INSTEAD OF THINKING SHE'S GRACED BY YOUR AMERICAN BUSINESS. AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ASK YOUR HUSBAND ONCE IN AWHILE HOW HE IS!!!! Because Honey, if you don't, some lovely fox out there is dying to take care of him for you. It would be my pleasure to break up your marriage. Prove me wrong & LOVE him & RESPECT him for the MAN he is. And get yourself a muzzle.
Kisses to all you boys, who think you go unnoticed. You're VERY MUCH SO noticed. Lift your head up, wink at me, even smack my ass. I won't bite....hard. ;)
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