If your GF says "don't let me eat ANYTHING this week..."
and ignore her plea for assistance. Or get ready for
Psycho Drama Hour when you take your valuable time to
render requested aid.
Last night my girlfriend came tearing into the room
all jacked up and said "OH! MY! GOD! I! GAINED! THREE!! POUNDS!!!
Don't let me eat ANYTHING for at least four days, okay?"
"Sure baby, no prob." I said and went back to ESPN. Seemed silly
to me because she is a professional model and waifer thin but whatever.
I quit trying to find rational thinking in female behavior around age seven.
So this morning she shows up on the couch with a small bowl
of sliced peaches and fresh strawberries for breakfast, just
to test me I guess. Almost annoyed me that she wasn't
making a better effort but I'm a good guy so I didn't react.
Other than to provide the help she asked for just a few hours before.
"What's up Pizza Hut," I said "sleep good?"
She stopped the fork in mid-lift, delicious peach slice dangling.
Looking over at me with a (fake) confused look, she asks "Wha...what did you just say?"
"I said, how did you sleep, my sweet tub of cookie dough?"
She dropped the fork back into the bowl and even I was impressed with my skill.
"Tub of cookie dough!??" she said, looking even more shocked, for effect
"Look Krispy Kreme, will you pipe down until the Jetsons are over?"
I mean seriously, I did my job so let me enjoy the crazy space antics of George and Co, in peace.
Now she stands up, facing me, mouth hanging open and eyes wide in
mock horror. She stood staring at me like I had just dropped in from space too.
What the hell I thought good-naturedly, I'll play it out.
"That's nice Jumbotron," I said "but I won't need you until the game comes on this afternoon."
Her eyes got huge, mouth open wide with a small squeak and then she turned and ran to the bedroom sobbing uncontrollably.
Oh Jesus. What now, I wondered as I enjoyed the peaches and strawberries.
But despite my curiosity I respected her privacy and left her alone to cry it out.
Soon she stormed out of the bedroom with her overnight bag, heading for the door at top speed.
She REALLY was over-playing it a bit but I realized it was important to let
her know I am committed to her happiness and would spare no effort to help her.
"Hey Amtrak, would ya toss me the paper on your way out of the station?"
I called out over my shoulder between bites. "Where you off to? Is there
a cake sale at Sam’s Club?"
"I HATE YOU!!!!" she shrieked and I laughed before
replying "and I love both of you too, Ben & Jerry."
It was getting hard to keep a straight face and I was starting
to really enjoy this helpful side of me.
But it turns out she was really pissed, she leaves, slamming the door
on her way out. From the driveway I hear a distant "BASTARD!" which
is when I began to suspect she had gone all sideways on me.
Apparently she really believes I did something wrong here.
I called her a few hours later after cartoons were over and she
just kept hanging up after yelling juvenile, profane insults into the phone.
Jesus - women, complete nut jobs just waiting to go off.
And if you don't give them a reason, no problem. They'll happily make one up.
Guess I'll have to microwave my own cheese dip and chips today.
No big deal.
At least it will be quiet.