Your Life is Imperfect, and It's All My Fault
You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel.
It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America.
I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules.
And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in teh 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play.” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service.
And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day.
So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.
- Location: The reception desk
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