But please, please, for the love of sweet Jesus, stop calling my house. I mean, just because I have time to surf Craig's list does not mean I am not busy. I hate to break this to you, but just because you don't abuse a girl doesn't make you prince charming. You suck as a boyfriend, actually. So you want answers. Okay, here you go
-You are not funny. As a matter of fact, you are very unfunny. But you insist on making a jackass of yourself by trying to be funny at parties. Here's a helpful hint: drunk stand up, not funny. Drunk dancing with a lampshade on your head, timeless classic.
-YOU cheated on ME! Why do you always forget that?
-You insist on telling me how hot my sister is. Yes, she is hot. Okay. Drop it.
-You are cheap. Now I am not the type of woman who needs a man to pay her bills. I am very independent, and have been for years before I met you. But a nice dinner? A movie? Would not break the bank. I mean, you are a lawyer.
-You have let yourself go. Hey, that's cool. But you keep asking "You ARE planning to start working out again, right?" Damn! Size 4 is not exactly a lard-ass!
-Every morning, EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. you ask me what time I have to be at work. I go to work at the same damn time everyday!
-No, I will not under any circumstance give you a blow job while you watch sportscenter and drink a beer. Why do you keep asking?
-You start many, many sentences with "One time, when I was a Lamda Chi,..."
-You rode your bike to my mom's house, wearing a suit. I'm sorry, that's embarrasing. I mean, I know your car was in the shop but you could have arranged an alternate means of transportation. Have you ever heard of the Metro? I take it every morning. It's like a train, but underground. Fascinating.
-We have been having sex for about 6 month, an average of 3 times a week. I have had 10 orgasms. You do the math.
-You refer to your feet as "Your dogs". ie. "My dogs are barkin" Which, roughly translated, means "My feet smell bad, probably because I just got done riding my bike to your mom's house."
-We always have to stay at your place, because Georgetown is sooooooo much cooler than NOVA. If G-town is so cool, why are all your neighbors tools? And what's up with the pink polo shirts.
-You do drugs.
-I think you might be stealing from us. Not because you need money, but because you are embarrased to walk into J-Crew and buy women's sweaters. But seriously, I think my roomate is getting pissed. She loves that wool sweater, it's the only one that goes with her new boots. Please return it unharmed and no questions will be asked.
-You flex your calves in front of the mirror. Yes they are nice calves, but that's lame.
-You refuse to admit that the Stars Wars trilogy sucks a big fat one. You really need to come to terms with the fact that you wasted 6-8 hours of your life that you will never, ever get back.
-You can't cook. But you sure can eat like hell.
-You tell me I'd be hot if I had tight abs. Oh my god! Do you ever hear yourself when you speak?
-You spend hours, I mean hours, surfing CL. However, you insist my researching furthur into the truth behind the Bennifer fiasco, or what's really up with Demi and Ashton, is a waste of time.
-You are a complete homo-phobe, which is ironic, considering the pink polo shirts you and all your buddies sport. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure you are gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
-I don't especially enjoy watching you scratch yourself for an hour.
-You consider all new people you meet pretentious assholes, because they do not burp and/or scratch themselves in public.
-Yes, Duke is a private school. Yes, there are alot of out of state students. Yes, some of those out of state students are yankees, from far off places like New Jersey. Thus that makes Duke: The University of New Jersey at Durham. Okay, I get it. Again, not really that funny.
Look, this the last time we are having this conversation. Even my cat cringes when the phone rings. Stop being creepy and sketch-ball like, and stop driving by with your lights off. Guess what, a week is not that long, I haven't forgot what your car looks like. And I don't think wearing a baseball cap turned backwards is helping to make you invisible. I'll give my sister your number. Maybe you guys can hook up.