I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this rain sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7 but not actually show up until 8:00. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- The first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- Take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.

-- Put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- Not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch baseball instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without having showered after being out all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.


Please, please, please help a sista out! I miss the asshole.