Men Online – Hall of Shame
This guy just sends out messages & chats online practically full time. As soon as he gets you in the sack, he’s on to his next conquest. He’s slick, I hope you recognize him. In retrospect you are quite relieved you insisted on a condom despite the intense pressure and questionable “latex allergy” excuse.
The Instant Relationship Guy
This guy tells you all sorts of bs: “I met you & pulled my profile” “Where have you been all my life” “I want to take you my business trip to Europe with me” “I’m falling for you” “I think you’re going to marry me” “You’re so amazing”, etc etc. Wear hip waders, the shit is deep.
Similar to the above guy, but these types are more creative, with a wider range of lies: they will lie about their age, height (like I wouldn’t notice??), where they live, marital status, job, whether they smoke or not, whether they have kids or not, if they are dating someone else, etc. Don’t forget the classic: “I’ll call you”. Basically, you can tell if they are lying – their lips are moving. They are the most common type found online.
The Dumb Guy
Poor bastard couldn’t spell if his life depended on it. Too clueless to run spell check on his 5 sentence profile. “I like purty gurls.” No punctuation. Even misspells his profession – how scary is that?
The One Good Picture Guy
Just has one good picture from the right angle that makes him look acceptably cute. Does not look like that at all in person. Frustrating when you had agreed to meet him for dinner & it ends up Dutch. He should pay just for the inconvenience of his misrepresentation.
The Ugly Guy That Wants a Supermodel
Annoying… the guy somehow reached 35 not knowing that he is a 4 out of 10. Constantly sends emails and instant messages the hot chicks, the 7 to 10’s out of 10. Would never have the courage to approach them out in public, subconsciously knows they are out of his league. WHY don’t you want to date me? Sorry, you’re not my type. What’s your type? etc etc. Invariably from Sticksville.
The Intolerant Guy
This guy is abusive if you don’t agree with his religious beliefs, etc. or will tell you that you are weird if there is something about you that he doesn’t understand. An insensitive prick. Doesn’t really like women that have opinions – on anything.
The Sketchy Guy
The only thing you find out about this guy is his licence plate number & cel number. You will date this guy quite a few times but will never find out any personal information about the elusive sketchy guy. You’ll never know his last name, see where he lives, or know where he works. You’ll never meet any of his friends, coworkers or family. Nothing, nada, zilch, zippo. You’ll wonder if he did exist at all.
The Retro In A Bad Way Guy
I think it’s the moustache from hell!! This guy desperately needs a Queer Eye makeover. Hasn’t shopped for new clothes in so long that he’s a sad case. Has potential, if you have the patience. I don’t. Been there, done that. Bought the t-shirt. (well, made him buy it.)
The Bitter Divorced Guy
This guy bitches about his ex, how she spent all his money, he never gets to see his kids, she cheated, she was such a cow, never gave him a blow job, etc etc. Waiter, bucket full o’ bitter, please. This guy is devoid of any positive thoughts, and emotionally unavailable. Suitable for dating robots.
Unfortunately the only time this guy gets to see his kids is on the weekends, which coincides with when you want to go out and have a fun date with him. Always says “my beautiful 4 yr old”, etc. Why doesn’t anyone ever say, “my ugly little brat with behavioural problems”. Indulges his children’s every whim because of divorce guilt. Unfortunately the ex does too, and Junior pays the price.
The No Sex Drive Guy
Good sex at first but then loses interest. Forgets to mention that he is now on anti depressants, which has killed his sex drive completely. Don’t take it personally - the Limp Noodle is not because of you. Good thing you stumbled upon them in the bathroom cabinet when you were looking for a Q-tip.
The Cel Phone/Blackberry Guy
So attached to his device he doesn’t even know how to turn it off. Face has odd green glow from peering over that little screen every time you aren’t looking, go to the washroom, etc. This shifty eyed techno addict has the attention span of a mosquito. Usually jumpy and hopped up on coffee too.
The Horny Webcam Guy
Very soon into your chat with horny guy, he’ll suggest that you chat on camera, show you his abs, and ask if you have a camera. Never seems to actually date, always online looking for fresh fantasy material.
The Freaky Foot Fetish Guy
2 seconds into chatting he will ask you what your feet look like. After 2 polite questions feigning interest in your profession/personality/picture, asks if you like your feet worshipped, licked, or covered with cum. A tad too intimate too soon.
Recognize yourself, guys?