best of craigslist > toronto > Rant: Raging Hard-ons.
Originally Posted: 2006-01-31 1:05pm

Rant: Raging Hard-ons.

So I decide to go out to a local pub last night only to discover that it's $2 pint night! What a pleasant surprise. Needless to say, I drink my fill and head home for some shut-eye.

Some hours later I wake up with a full bladder, so I get out of bed and head to the bathroom for urinary relief. I pull my member out and realization slowly filters its way through my sleep haze - I have a raging Hard-on.

Couple of things:

A raging hard-on isn't just a normal male erection. For those who don't know, there are actually degrees to male hardness...there's your typical, normal erection during which the penis is hard, but still maintains a sheen of softness to it. It's slightly bendable, the head is soft and pokey, but it's still a servicable erection. Then there is the raging version. With a raging hard-on the penis is like a frikin' steel rod - there's absolutely nothing soft about it. I fear that I would actually, literally, be able to poke somebody's eye out with my penis during this type of erection.

So there I am standing over the toilet really wanting to urinate so my bladder can gain some relief, but it was not to be. Unfortunately it is physically impossible for a man to pee when with erection. Perhaps during a low-end erection you might be able to squeeze something out, but definatly not with a Raging version.

I wait for a few minutes. Nothing. Still rock hard.

I think unsexy thoughts. Nope, still solid.

I sigh, raise my arms in the air and shout at my penis, "What do you want from me!!!"

Well, I know very well what my penis wants, but I really don't want to give it the satisfaction. You see, I have a strange belief, that I know is totally a crock, but I cooked it up when in high-school and so now it's a permanent part of my psyche. I believe that in order to get laid I have to abstain from masterbation. Dont' get me wrong, I have nothign against masterbation and do so quite frequently while in relatinships or during post-relationship times, but when I'm gearing up to get back into the dating scene then self-satisfaction goes of the menu.

I'm recently divorced , and for the past several months have been perfectly happy taking myself in hand for my sexual relief. Lately, though, I've been ready to get back into the dating scene, and so have been abstainning. At the very least full abstinence is a good motivator for getting out and meeting people.

Dillema time: Do I see if I can outwait my ragaing-hard on and finally earn the urinary relief my body so desperately desires? Or do I bring myself to climax, thereby pushing my getting-laid ETA back by a week or two in my theoretical world of reason, all for the sake of getting to pee so that I can finally go back to bed and get some sleep.

"Fuck it," I say. I really needed to go pee. I was really tired.

"You win this round, Penis." I fantasized about doing very naughty things to my ex.

Several minutes later, my penis back to its normal size, my bladder empty, I finally head back to the warmth of my bed and snuggle down to reclaim my lost sleep.

In the back of my head, though, I could hear a little voice saying: "hahaha, sucker. You're still mine, bitch."

Stupid raging hard-ons.

Stupid penis.

post id: 130073076

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