To the lesbian girl I work with
I was just wondering if the elementary school crush act could end? It didn’t work for little Johnny when I was in the second grade, it’s not going to work for you either. It’s getting pretty old, and very lame. I don’t care how bad you say you hate me…I’m just sick of hearing about it for 8 hours a day while I’m trying to work. I really don’t appreciate the comments about kicking my ass either. Unless I just heard wrong (I eavesdrop a lot), and you’re really talking about licking my ass... Guess that’s what I get for eavesdropping.
You pretend to hate me, flip me off, and make fun of me all the time when people are around. But when no one else is looking...it's like you're a different person. You'll compliment what I'm wearing (even though we all wear the same thing...), the other day you caressed my shoulder with your hand (which totally creeped my out my the way), you’ll give me the occasional slow rub on the back and say “Good job” or “Nice work”, you look at me like you are picturing me naked and you want to get down my pants (which also creeps me out), and you are even nice to me! Which no one else we work with would believe because how mean you are to me 99% of the time. Oh yeah, I know I smell nice and thanks for noticing...it's called personal hygiene. You should check it out, it's amazing.
I hate to break it to you, but I'm straight. Very straight. I like men. Even if I was a lesbian, I don't think you would be my type. I definitely wouldn't be into a butch girl who wears boy clothes and talks like a sailor. Seriously, you don't have to use the word "fuck" in every sentence you say. Maybe you should try it sometime; it's probably easier than you think. Just in case you didn't get the memo; belts are used to hold your pants up. No one wants to see your pants half way around your ass with your junk hanging out. Oh yeah, I think my ex boyfriend wears the same boxers as you do...I just don't think they are your color.
If you find it hard to control yourself at work, I may have to talk to management about it and ask for a transfer. I know I’m irresistible…and if you must imagine us being lesbian lovers…then so be it. I'm sure you imagine kissing me, and touching me in those "special" places. But, it just doesn't do anything for me. I would try...but I think it would be like kissing an animal. The least you could do is stop touching me and giving me those looks (you know the one I’m talking about). An appropriate thumbs up would be a lot better than touching me when you think I’m doing a good job.
Don’t hate me more than you already pretend to for posting this. I would say something about it to you at work, but I thought you might get upset for putting you on the spot. And I was afraid you would force me into the men’s bathroom so you could have your way with me. That reminds me…I’ll be watching my back, so don’t get any ideas. I’m just trying to make a safer work environment, and I would like to enjoy my job and going to work every day.
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