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The US government has a new
website, href="http://www.ready.gov/">http://www.ready.gov/.  It's
another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and
cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so
ambiguous they could mean anything!  Here are a few
interpretations.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dont_run.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
If you have set yourself on fire, do not
run

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_shout.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
If you
spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell
really loud.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_open_door.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
If you
spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/bio_vis_substance.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">

If
you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of
seeing a doctor.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_flashlight.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_wash.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">

The
proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least
one(1) armless hand.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_cover_nose.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
Michael
Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes,
run the fuck away.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_area.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1"> size=2>

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard
symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_affected.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">

Be
on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub
their hands together manically.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_closed_door.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">

If a door is closed, karate chop it
open.

src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_table.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">

If your building collapses, give yourself a
blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

width=153 border=0 NOSEND="1">

Try to absorb as much of the
radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds,
however, you may become sterile

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/nuc_vis_building.gif" width=153 border=0
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After exposure to radiation it is important to
consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your
head.

src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_high_windows.gif" width=153 border=0
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If you've become a radiation mutant with a
deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that
shit.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_high_stay.gif" width=152 border=0 NOSEND="1">

--
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower
in the corner or run like hell.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/bio_vis_resp.gif" width=153 border=0 NOSEND="1">

If
your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they
stop.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dust.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve
oxygen by not farting.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_drop_roll.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack,
do not stop to look for it.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_car_wire.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">
face=Verdana>Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding
from the hood.

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src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_rad_shield.gif" width=153 border=0
NOSEND="1">

-- A
one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against
radiation.

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src="food.gif" width=94 border=0 NOSEND="1">
Always remember
to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to
enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

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