To my lovely BUS passengers
I greatly appreciate your efforts to speed things along for all of us by hopping out of your seat and striding up the aisle toward the door while we're still a block or so from your stop. However, I must point out that this actually costs us more time because when I see you in my mirror I must slow down and do everything much more slowly. Why do you think this might be? Well, the streets are full of bicycles, skateboards, escaped pets, clueless fellow drivers veering in unpredictable ways, and yes, even bus driver un-forced errors! This, in turn, means that there may well be a need to tap, or god forbid, really nail the brakes. What happens then? Well, according to the laws of Newtonian physics, you fly horizontally throughout the bus interior until you crush your skull against the farebox, or if the oncoming traffic is lucky enough to get the slide show, the inside of the windshield.
Oh, you say, that won't happen to me, I have excellent balance, I'm a surfer (skateboarder, jogger, yoga buff, tightrope walker etc.); or better yet, Don't worry, I'm holding on to the handrail... heh heh heh...
Well, I'll admit, this will help if I accidentally nudge the curb while pulling into the stop at 2 or 3 MPH, but if a real sudden stop is required, you will probably just rip your arm off on the way to your safety glass facial. Now there'll be blood in the aisle AND on the windshield to clean up.
Do you know what happens to the driver when a passenger falls down and sustains a serious or fatal injury on the bus? Discipline? Firing? Criminal charges? No, it's than far worse than that. It's.... paperwork! And not just for me. We have to park there while every single person on the goddamn bus fills out a witness card to give their version of events. Some people take a half an hour to remember their own name. So do not be so selfish as to put us all through that. You wanna crack your skull, go do it on your own time. And if I should, in a moment of ill-advised giving-a-fucking-shit, ask you to just relax and sit tight till we pull up in about another 15 seconds, just sit the fuck down and don't start an argument with me while I am dodging a homeless guy with twigs in his beard who stumbles off the curb a few feet in front of us and stoops down to embrace the front bumper because he mistakes if a long-lost child.
And another thing-- why is it that 9 out of 10 senior and/or physically disabled riders stand and walk (or attempt it) on the way to their stops? No shit, you guys are the worst offenders of all! I am not "profiling" here; you fuckers INDENTIFY YOURSELVES with Senior/Disables ID cards in order to get half fare. Some of you people can hardly stand, you can barely step onto the bus without dropping dead, you take 10 minutes to shuffle 10 feet down the aisle to get a seat. And then, half of you are on walkers, for fuck's sake, and you have to get up and lean on a device ON WHEELS while you walk forward in a forward-moving bus. "It's OK," you say, "I'm holding onto my walker." Do I even need to point out the idiocy of this? Why not just stand on a skateboard?
Even you guys with serious degenerative nervous system conditions that have caused total muscle atrophy and require the use of not one but TWO canes... man, you people scare the SHIT out of me. I am just trying to get you to your destination SAFELY, can you give me a fucking break?
What is the deal with the Senior and Disabled riders? Are you trying to prove that you don't need any special consideration, that you can cope with life just like any other citizen? Well if that's the case then you can SIT THE FUCK DOWN like any other citizen. I am not discriminating against you because you are clearly one tremor away from breaking your fall with your forehead. I tell all kinds of young and physically fit riders to please sit down. I don't need a demonstration of your locomotion chops. You want to tell me "Hey man, in spite of this walker I can run like a deer," that is great, I'll be very impressed. DON'T BUS-SURF.
And you think this is my pet peeve? How about when I play the COMPANY-SUPLLIED recorded message to "Please keep your seats while the bus is in motion?"
You think I recorded that just for you? No. The management doesn't want to do the paperwok either, let alone deal with your bullshit lawsuit... oh yeah, you could set your watch on that one.
And don't even get me started on you self-centered twits on your cell phones. The whole bus does not want to hear about your yeast infection, how much you puked after the kegger ("Dude, it was SICK!"... as in really great), or what kind of lettuce you saw at the supermarket.
And you special cases who get on, take a quiet piss on one of the seats, and then get off one stop later... well all I can say is fuck you. That pretty much covers it.
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