Dear Nice Guy
I understand how upset you were when I broke up with you. Hey, I was disappointed too. I really had high hopes for our relationship. I thought you would be different from the usual assholes. Sure, you were less good looking, less stylish, not as cool as those other guys, but I thought, I can see beyond those surface imperfections to the great personality that supposedly lies beneath. I really tried, and I didn't want to break up with you, but you left me no choice. Then you begged me to tell you why, and I didn't, because I didn't want to be mean. But since I now see you slipping into that lame old excuse, "Women only like assholes who treat them bad, nice guys finish last," I feel compelled to explain exactly why I had to dump you.
1. You are a terrible kisser. There's really no way to say this in the moment, but your technique is disgusting. Please do not ever try to lick the roof of my mouth, stick your tongue up my nose, or slobber like a dog.
2. You stink. Yes, I realize your shyness around women makes you very nervous which can cause some incredibly foul sweat, but please, use more deodorant or something. And there is just no excuse for bad breath or a stinky butt. For god's sake, practice basic hygiene.
3. You have a huge fucking chip on your shoulder. Look, I'm really sorry those bitches in high school wouldn't talk to you. But you're 35, get over it already. You know, I was a loser in high school too, but I don't obsess over it every day. And I don't think it entitles me to whine about how difficult my life has been, and how everyone needs to be more accepting of my issues.
4. You're boring. And I don't mean that in the "would rather read poetry than go snowboarding" kind of way, because I'm a nerd too. No, I mean you never joke around, you never do silly or spontaneous things, everything with you has to be discussed seriously and at length. Lighten up!
5. You're creepy. Did you miss some secret boy meeting when you were a kid on how to flirt with girls without coming off like a total sleaze? Don't say, "You may not have noticed, but I've been looking at your body." Believe me, I noticed. You're not that subtle. Also don't say, "I'm going to pay for your dinner so you'll have sex with me." Your candor is not charming, it's repellant. Don't tell me how many times you've jerked off to thoughts of me naked. If you want to do that, go right ahead, but please don't announce it like it was the evening news, it makes you sound like a stalker.
6. You're shallow. I know you think wanting to be around me every second of every day demonstrates how much you care for me, but as soon as I realized it was because you have no life of your own, it just got annoying. You told me that have no interests or preferences except what I want, and no emotions of your own, except in reaction to me. That is not being intimate, that's just creepy. When I ask what you want for dinner, just say what you want. If you don't know, say "I don't know." But don't look at me with puppy dog eyes and whisper "Whatever you want" every fucking time! Jesus, it's just dinner!
7. You're a lousy lay. I know, your inexperience because of your nice guy status is to blame, but you could at least be willing to learn. You don't need to ask permission or announce every single move you're about to make. It kills the mood. Don't give me orders like I'm a piece of software you're programming. Jeez, if I wanted to be awkwardly groped and poked, I'd have sex with a 15 year old boy.
8. You have anger issues. You are so afraid of ever showing the slightest bit of anger that you repress it until you explode in rage at some inappropriate moment, like when I did not respond favorably to your demands for sex. Let me share a secret with you: if you had kept your mouth shut, you would have gotten some. But after you turned red in the face and started yelling at me for not giving it up fast enough, did you really think I would let you fuck me?
So let's review: you're secretly filled with rage and resentment, and you think you are entitled to sex on demand. That doesn't sound "nice" at all now, does it? Thanks for showing me that so-called "nice guys" are assholes too. If I'm going to be stuck with an angry, demanding asshole, I might as well choose someone who's at least pretty on the outside.