To all you men and women out there looking for an ideal mate with Craigslist:
Finding an ideal mate is a hard thing to do with these online personals.
It's not impossible... but it is hard. I have talked to friends, a psychotherapist and other Craigslist people, and here is what I've learned:
1) A BLIND DATE IS A SETUP THAT IS ALMOST GUARANTEED TO FAIL
Because you are nervous, the other person is nervous, and both of you are scrutinizing and analyzing every little detail and word that the other utters. All this pressure to put on a perfect performance and seem confident and relaxed is enough to make anyone insane. Now add to that the fact that many people using personals are socially retarded/shy/introverted/lack self-esteem, and you have a recipie for failure. And when it's over, you're frustrated, and the frustration leads to anxiety and depression, which only makes it that much harder for you to date again. (The secret tip: Don't take it so seriously, it's just a blind date, not a marriage proposal!)
2) THE BLIND DATE IS A TOTALLY ARTIFICIAL SITUATION
There is nothing normal or natural about a blind date, so don't expect the person you meet to seem normal or natural.
3) MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR ANY REASON NOT TO DATE YOU AGAIN.
Some people are scared of intimacy, and look for a reason to not date you. Are you too fat, too ugly, too nervous? Do you have a checkered past? Are you an ex-con, recovered alcolholic, immigrant, in debt, come from an abused home? It's too bad, because some people are very nice and of excellent character, but we are not allowing them to grow.
I've found some people expect you to show up as Mr./Ms. Perfect, with absolutely no baggage and no problems and perfect teeth and a shiny European car. Well, guess what, folks: that shit only happens in fantasyland! If you meet someone who claims they have no baggage, then that person is either a liar or a psychopath.
4) CHARACTER IS WHAT REALLY COUNTS
Is the person you date nice to the waiter? Is that person someone who volunteers and gives back to society, or is he/she just a full-time partier? Yes, we all like passion and spiceness/sexiness/exoticness, but it's character, friendship and loyalty that really makes a long-term relationship.
5) LOOKS ARE IRRELEVANT
I've received about 40 email responses from Craiglist during the past 2 months. Most women disappear when they see my online photo, as if I were the most repulsive person in the world. Well, let me tell you: I had relationships with two women last year. One was beautiful and one was ugly. The beautiful one turned out to be a coldhearted, spoiled, self-centered bitch. The ugly one was a warm, funny, smart, loving, honest, caring person whom I loved very deeply. And it taught me a lesson: if you are patient, you can let yourself fall in love with someone no matter what he/she looks like.
6) FOREIGN WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM AMERICAN WOMEN
I also found that foreign women are often bolder and less afraid to meet a man than American women. Foreign women are quicker to give out their phone number and meet you for coffee, while American women will just string you along for days or weeks and you may still never actually meet them.
8) IT TAKES TIME TO TRULY KNOW A PERSON
Many of these women go on one date and then never want to see you again. You're not "sexy" enough, or you're not "balanced" enough. One date is a ridiculously short time to know someone, no matter how many personal questions you ask them. People will never know what a truly nice and thoughtful person you are because they never give you the chance to show that side of yourself. How can one demonstrate those qualities to another when one is merely sitting in Starbucks Coffee house for 2 hours, playing 20 question and sipping lattes?
Now, think about your coworkers at the office. When you first met some of them, you liked them-- but after 6 months, you're kind of sick of some of those people, right? Other people in your office, perhaps the quiet one in the corner, turned out to be very nice and reliable. Some people seem great at first, but are really full of shit once you get to know them.
9) THE PURPOSE OF A FIRST DATE IS TO SEE IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A SECOND DATE.
Relax. Forget about sex. Chill out. Stop wondering if you want to marry this person and have babies. Just ask yourself: are you having a nice time with this person? And then go on a second date, and a third date. Don't confuse the issue by bringing sex into it.
Ask yourself: Is this a nice person? Is this a reliable person? Is this a fun person? Ask them their values and what they want in the future. And cut them some slack, because if you're a perfectionist, you'll end up alone.
10) SOME WOMEN EXPECT MEN TO BE ENTERTAINERS
Women want guys who are funny. They want to be entertained. How ridiculous. The funniest comedians are the ones who had miserable childhoods or were nerds in school. Is that what you want? Or do you want a guy that tells dumb jokes all day? Get real. Nobody is a human joke machine, and Groucho Marx drove his wives crazy....
11) STOP THE PRESSURE, RELAX, AND TAKE YOUR TIME
Don't be in such a rush to find out if your date is perfect for you. He/she may be a diamond in the rough. It might take 2, 3 , or even 20 dates before you truly understand this person. Look at the divorce rate, folks. All those people thought they were marrying their soul mates, and then realized they were wrong years later. Some people can't stand up under the hard glare of reality, while others blossom if given the chance.
12) LOOK AT YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS AND SEE WHERE YOU WENT WRONG
Did you always choose your mates based on initial looks? Perhaps it's time for you to shift your priorities and re-examine your core values.
13) WE ARE ALL ONLY HUMAN
We are human. We deserve a chance. Instead of judging our pasts, we should question our current values and what we plan to do for the future.
14) DROP ALL YOUR EXPECTATIONS
See that modest, mild-mannered guy over there? He might be a millionare 5 years from now.
And see that cocky guy driving a BMW? He might be bankrupt next month. So be prepared to be surprised. Expect the unexpected. There are no guarantees in life. And don't expect honesty: some people are not even honest with themselves, let alone with you.
15) DON'T CONFUSE SEX WITH LOVE & COMMITMENT
Even though your date had sex with you, they still don't owe you a thing. Whether you sleep with them once or a thousand times, they still may not be taking you seriously. Words like "boyfriend", "wife" or "love" are totally meaningless. Only the actions of your mate, over the test of time, will prove what they really are to you. It's a sad fact, but a person's word doesn't really count for much in this country.
16) THERE IS NOTHING BAD ABOUT POSTING A PERSONAL.
Many people, especially women, are afraid to do this. Women: Listen, every women who posts an ad on here is guaranteed to get about 100 responses (and that number doubles if she mentions "SEX"). There's nothing to be ashamed of in posting an ad. It's the modern age folks....and it makes no less sense than going to a noisy bar to find true love! So go ahead, and tell all your friends to do the same, and eventually we'll create a real community!
17) GAMES ARE UNAVOIDABLE.
Many people say they are sick of games. We all are, but they are an unavoidable part of dating. Games are just another form of dishonesty and passive-aggressiveness. Unfortunately, some people are fickle and even INSANE, and sometimes we don't find this out until we've wasted a lot of time and money on them. You can demand honesty from your partner, but you won't necessarily get it.
18) DON'T ASK FOR SOMEONE'S LIFE STORY ON THE FIRST DATE!
Don't turn the blind date into an interrogation!!! I keep meeting people that want to know my entire relationship history on the first date. This is downright offensive! Why should I tell my life story to someone I just met? We would never demand such information from a new coworker or classmate, so why do we expect people to do so on a date? People try to compress a year of personal secrets into a 2 hour dinner interrogation, and it just makes them awkward. Better to just relax and have a laugh, talk about hobbies and pursuits and goals. I'm more interested in someone's future than her past.
Again--The purpose of a first date is to see if you want to have a second date! That's all!
No more agenda! Just enjoy the moment and relax. If you make it to a second or third date, then you can get into more sordid details, but you'd be better off if you saved it for later.
Good luck boys and girls! And ladies, tell all your girlfriends to check out Craigslist, because there is a shortage of women on this list.