A World Without Ben and Jen...Bennifer...JFleck...
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This used to be a beautiful world.
Jennifer, I remember when I wasn't subjected to looking at your face 8 hours of my 12 hour awake life. If I really wanted to see you that bad, all I had to do was pick up my remote control and change the channel to Fox. Ah yes, In Living Color. That's when we first met. There you were for a good 1.5 minute dancing away among many, somewhat camouflaging yourself among the fly girls. Sometimes, I'll admit, it was kind of hard to spot you but I always found you. Then you became aware of my presence. You started to appear on the screen when I was sitting in the movie theater. I started to grow slightly fond of you. The Money Train...yeah, that's it. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship where you start to think, hey...this is the perfect person. We'll spend some time together but she won't come to dominate my life.
A year later, Selena came out. You spent more time with me but we were still cool. I actually really enjoyed your company.
La Familia, The Cell...wow, our relationship just moved forward with a vengeance! Angel Eyes, Out of Sight, Maid in Manhattan...alright, getting a little tired of seeing your face. I think we're spending entirely too much time together. I started desiring my space and no matter how politely I asked for it, you just didn't listen. A nightly appearance on Extra and Access Hollywood spelled the demise of our once sweet courtship. We were over.
You couldn't handle the break-up well and decided to immerse yourself in highly-publicized relationships forcing me to spend night after night changing the channel in a vain effort to avoid seeing your face. Admittedly, when you and Puffy were arrested in New York, I was happy. This was the last I was going to see of you. But no...you came out of it. Okay, I decided that I was no longer going to be bitter about it and move on. You still wanted to be a part of my life. You would call me by using the movie screen (damn previews) and the entertainment shows. You even started ruining my affinity for watching E. Then you got married to what's his name. After an appearance on Oprah, I was like...maybe she'll mellow out and leave me alone. Looks like she's in love. Maybe she'll take a break from making movies. Then you had to do it again. You got with Ben Affleck - one of the most prized bachelors in Hollywood. Oh yeah, you sought your vengeance on me. I see you everywhere now. I get onto cnn.com and for some reason, you or your precious Benny are on there.
Jennifer, this is the last time. You need to get over me. Please! Go away...give me my freedom. I have come to loathe you. Where I was once rooting for your success, I now secretly hope for your termination. Go away J Ho. It's over.
P.S. Showing up as a presenter in the Oscars in no way makes you a better girlfriend.