$250 worth of sex toys: an unauthoritative review
$250 poorer and wiser, I feel I owe it to the sexually active community to share my completely unauthoritative, perfectly random reviews. Here they are, organized by a categorization system I just made up myself:
--GV bath fizzies. They fizzle and flop. Giant marble fizzy balls that come in a pack of 3 that costs almost $15, they fizzle in a boring manner for about 8.2 seconds and then make your bathwater taste all funny. (An important consideration, given the context.)
--GV bubble bath. We chose Jasmine Green Tea, which smelled and tasted delicious. Plus it adds slickness, which is what sex-related bubble bath should be all about.
--Rubber ducky. Incredibly dull, this duck vibrates a bit and then sort of sinks lopsided into the water. And then you've got some stupid tchotchke that you either display in your bathroom, leading to all kinds of inappropriate conversations when your 2-year old niece comes to visit, or you have yet another consumer item (in this consumerist land) that you hide somewhere and forget about until it's time to move. I wish I'd never laid eyes on this toy. I would try to sell it on Craig's List, except the I don't clearly understand the health implications.
Oral sex toys:
--Strawberry Gel. Mixed reviews. Tastes okay, but its main feature is that it causes this really neat (or really obnoxious, "I have to run screaming to the shower right now, it feels like you smeared Ben Gay on my pussy") cool sensation. Lesson learned: Think *dime-sized.*
--GV Chai mints. Tastes wonderful, but apparently didn't do much for his dick. Cinnamon Altoids proved to be much more successful here, especially when blown on lightly.
--Rabbit vibrator. This thing is intimidating! But then, so are most vibrators, right? It's just that hard-shell plastic...well...and all those tiny controls...it's like having sex with NASA ground control. The clit stimulation is loud and clear, a bit too intense for me. The main thing I learned is that playing with a Rabbit vibrator turns guys on. This from my sample group of one guy.
--Neptune ring. This is basically the Rabbit turned into a soft flexible cock ring. Super fun for him, I finally made him turn it upside down to tickle his balls rather than do what felt like exfoliating my clit. After that it was wonderful.
--Fingertip vibrator. Another great item if you love electronics. It felt like that damn cord was always where you wanted to come, and the tiny black control box just didn't do it for me. Very futuristic sex, which may or may not be what you're looking for--but you can't beat a vibrating fingertip massage. Despite its space-ageness, it was pretty cool and quite versatile.
Best all-around toy:
--GV massage oil. The operative word here is "lickable." This was my favorite item. Satsuma smells like Christmas tangerines, and the mango-orange one is like a summer evening in paradise. Nothing to replace humans here, this is romantic and sexy and slippery and fun to wrestle with...ah, getting lost just thinking about the endless possibilities.
This is stuff we didn't get at Good Vibrations. You can get all this at Long's Drugs.
--Sesame Street bathtime fingerpaint. Ugh. It smells and tastes terrible, and it takes forever to blend red and blue to get purple. Plus, weird colored stripes on your lover's body is less appealing than you might guess.
--Long's bath fizzies. Long's answer to the GV bath bombs, these are, if possible, even worse. They smelled so much like chemical waste that I quickly wrapped them back up to send off to my niece (kids love chemical waste) without even telling my lover I bought them.
--Dove's chocolate sauce. Actually, I have no idea why I'm writing about this since we haven't even tried it yet. Sounds great, doesn't it? But we had to buy two kinds because he likes milk and I like dark. And we have to heat it up in a pan of water. The whole thing's so complicated. But my *fantasy* of it is spectacular.
--The afore-mentioned cinnamon Altoid's. I believe cinnamon adds class to the act of eating an Altoid while going down on your lover. Maybe that's just me.
--Neutrogena light massage oil. Or bath oil, or whatever it's called. This stuff is fantastic! Scent-free, taste-free, light and sexy. And cheap! We could use gallons of this stuff and still have money left over for the opera. That is, if we were into the opera.
--Don't try to experiment with $250 worth of sex toys in the space of ten hours. You'll be tempted, but at some point you'll become severely desensitized and wonder if your sex organs will ever work again. The first symptom is extreme crankiness toward the inventor of silicone. The second is a perverse paranoid suspicion that your lover may be related to the inventor of silicone. The third is a sudden craving for food that isn't consumed from your lover's body.
--If you don't heed the above advice, the only cure is a deep rejuvenating sleep and several days of actively refusing to consider the sexual implications of each and every item to which you are exposed. Force yourself to quit thinking of new uses for feather dusters and shower mats! Not to mention staplers and scotch tape.
--A girl's best friend is her dropcloth. Before you embark on your mapcap erotic adventure, dig up an old heavy quilt to drape over your expensive and easily-soiled sheets. It's like birth control, you'll be glad you thought of it in advance.
The only sex worth having is sex with a really communicative, considerate, fun partner. As it turns out, I had as much fun with $0 worth of sex toys as I did with $250. That said, there's no one I would rather blow a quarter of a thousand dollars with.