Firstly, the Barbie doll issue. I know the kid is forgetful and sometimes leaves her bedroom door unlocked. It truly sucks to be a hardass, but I'd appreciate if you didn't swallow the body parts. If you could just spit 'em out it would avoid the whole morning-after trauma thing. By the next day chances are I've forgotten it ever happened and I'm simply not equipped to encounter pink hands and feet sticking out of your shit when I stoop to do my civic duty. Especially not before my first cup of Peets.
You may have noticed we're not fanatical about hygiene. Personally, I don't care if you lick the kitchen floor, or the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. They get thoroughly cleaned anyway. However, if you must eat the cat puke please leave me a clue where it was, so I can shampoo the carpet when I get home.
Since you're such a genius, the bathrooms are off-limits. Period. Even though I put the goddamn bin in a cabinet, with a child-proof lock, you still managed to cram your long pointy nose in the crack and get the used tampons. (See morning-after trauma thing, above).
Which brings me to the dirty underwear. My bed is off-limits too. Remember? Licking the panties is disgusting enough. When you hoist them up on the bed and lick them it makes a nasty, soggy, stained patch on the cover. Stay off the bed and also try not to drag them around the rest of the house when we have guests.
The TV room is a cool place for you to hang out. It warms the cockles of my heart to gather the family round of an evening, you included. One thing I was wondering, is there any way you can make less noise when you lick your dick? Clearly, routine maintenance needs to be done and you are most attentive to the task. I wouldn't want to deny you the pleasure of a job well done, but the incessant *glop, glop, glop* does tend to detract from our viewing enjoyment.
The New Year's coming up. Let's see what we can do, OK?