RAVE: To the Boys Who TP'd My House Last Night
It was like you’d Googled “How to TP a House”.
STEP ONE: PICK A HOUSE WHICH:
- is on the corner so lots of people driving by see your work – CHECK!
- has lots of hedges and HIGH trees to hang TP on – CHECK!
- has no fence to trap you in case you’re caught – CHECK!
- has no motion-sensitive lights to warn the owners – CHECK!
- has no dog – DOH!
Yes, we have a dog – and you should have known that because he barks at you when you walk by. Our barking dog woke me up. And finally, pick a house which:
- doesn’t have an owner crazy enough to take down all your handiwork in the middle of the night before anyone gets to witness your genius – DOH!
I was almost SORRY to be dismantling your masterpiece before morning light. If it helps, I actually stood back and took it all in before I started pulling down streams of white. But, this being Seattle, I was afraid it would rain and wet TP is REALLY hard to remove from trees. I speak from experience here.
STEP TWO: TP TECHNIQUE -- AND BEYOND
First, your TP technique was superb. I believe I got the benefit of your collective experience here? This couldn’t have been your first job.
- the sheer volume of TP was impressive. I counted no fewer than six rolls
- the TP was indeed in the HIGHEST branches of my trees – great arm! I had to climb the trees and use a rake to remove the final flapping vestiges.
- the TP was high quality, important because the cheap stuff doesn’t cling right
But it was all the EXTRAS which put this TP job in the “excellent” category:
- At least a grocery bag of ripped-into-small-pieces colored construction paper scattered across our lawn. Even in the streetlight it was pretty.
- Silly string! Come on – who doesn’t appreciate silly string? Especially on hedges. That stuff is stubborn. There’s still some out there.
- And the coup-de-grace – the Vaseline on the door handle. Brilliant! As I chased you off in my bare feet (more on this below) I noted my flash light covered in sticky stuff. Took me a while to figure out what had happened.
Now, on your escape – you did break one cardinal rule of the TP trade. If discovered do NOT run in the direction of your house. It could be argued you should lose a point for this gaff, but I suppose it can be forgiven given the lay of the land and the fact that you were likely freaked out when I burst out of my front door with flash light hand.
Would you believe I actually ENVIED you as you ran off? I truly did. Because I knew your hearts were hammering at your ribs and you were experiencing that delicious fear that comes from being discovered in the middle of perpetrating a first-class prank. “Holy crap, dude! He almost CAUGHT US!” The thought made me laugh out loud several times as I went about putting my front yard right again.
STEP THREE - DO NO HARM
Finally, what you DIDN’T DO is also important: you didn’t trample our newly planted plants or break any tree branches. You didn’t egg the house – that can destroy paint jobs. You didn’t do anything to cause any real damage to our home or property.
So – in closing – don’t be too disappointed I removed all the materials you carefully collected and brought to our house before anyone else got to see it displayed in all its glory. I am memorializing your effort here on Craigslist for all to read.
After an hour of work, as I stood back and looked at my boring de-TP’d yard, I brought to mind how much more colorful it had been just 60 mintues before. With your work in mind, I held up an imaginary score card Olympics style…10.0! Had there been crowds, they would have gone wild.
Home Owner, Issaquah WA
P.S. btw, once is funny. Twice...not so much. ;)
- Location: Issaquah, WA
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests