17.2 Lbs of Ex-Girlfriend's Yarn
Well, I had 100 problems, and now I have 99 problems. The person responsible for these 17.2 lbs of yarn ain't one. You can make it so I have 98 problems. Pictured is all the yarn I could find in the house. I think there are some knitting needles in there too.
That's right. With all the painstaking, loyal, monogamous, and patient love I showed throughout this failed relationship, I carefully laid out all of the yarn and photographed it. I had other girls offering to help, but no, like all my problems, I handled this one on my own, because I was a good guy. Don't think I'm exaggerating about the weight of this yarn. I weighed it on a scale. Though usually I lie and say things look like they weigh far less than they actually weigh, just to be kind, because lately things sometimes looked like they weighed a lot more than they did when I met them.
In one of the photos, I even included one of the two demon cats my ex-girlfriend brought against my will into my home. We can say I included them for scale. There are a lot of different types of yarn. Some of it is colorful, or multi-colored, and is pretty. Some of it is not and has been used to start some of the hideous projects you see before you. Look at that grey and red hat. Who would wear that? What was she thinking? My living room floor looks like Trouble with Tribbles. I don't know as much about yarn as I know about Star Trek, but it seems pretty nice overall.
I mean, its in good shape. It wasn't damaged, when, for example, she put my half-smoked cigar back in humidor, ruining all my remaining cigars. It also wasn't damaged when she poured screen-cleaning solution all over her laptop, then got all surprised when that damaged the laptop, which I had to replace.
She claimed the yarn she left is worth $500 to $600. But she has this "Rainman" attitude toward money so it's probably worth somewhere between $300 and the value of the U.S. National Debt. I just want it out. Make me an offer on the demon cats, too, if you like. I might even give you a discount on the yarn. It's not their fault they're demon cats, it's her fault.
She kept talking about how the yarn was "high-end." Maybe that's why I had thousands of dollars of credit card bills from "ravelry.com" and other such life-destroying sites. Did you know you can get a credit card even if you have horrible credit and no job? I didn't know that. Did you know you can also over-draft a debit card account, even after checking the option at the bank to not allow you to do that, if you shop online? I didn't know that either. Screw you, Paypal. Did you know you could open credit card accounts in other people's names? But I digress.
The yarn must have been nice, because she would never leave the house to work, or walk my dog, who used to be a good dog before she started spoiling him and confusing him about everything, and now he's nervous and neurotic. She also was too busy with the yarn to take the trash to the curb, and didn't seem to have time to do any of the housework either. Most of the yarn isn't labeled, but some of it is. Some of it is even still in its packaging, I guess just in case she decided she suddenly needed this brand new package of yarn and there was some sort of crop-shortage in yarn-land so she had to buy it in advance.
The yarn takes up a lot of space. That's probably why she always said there was no room to put any of her stuff away in my 2000 square foot house with a two-car garage and a hot tub, where she lived for free, had all her bills including insurance paid by me, and didn't pay any rent and still complained all the time demanding more jewelry. It's currently carefully stuffed into four double-bagged garbage bags for your transporting convenience. The yarn, not the house. I've gotten good about stuffing things in garbage bags lately.
Email me and ask for Tom.
- Location: Bothell/Canyon Park
- do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers