Free fucking couch
But this is not my fucking couch. I've never seen it before and I have no idea to whom it belongs. I live in a house that has a basement apartment that is currently being inhabited by two rather obnoxious girls (they speak very loudly at night under my bedroom, they play bad music loudly, they're ALWAYS using the washer and dryer and they don't seem to understand that the recycling bin that says "GLASS" is meant for, well, GLASS (they put whatever they feel like putting into it)), and given that their general mode of conducting themselves seems to suggest that they put little thought into things (I came home one day to find that they'd massacred several ferns in our back yard by trimming them into -- I shit you not -- cubes), I would not at all be surprised if, rather than, you know, taking it to the dump or giving it to a friend, they just dragged it out to the front lawn so that they'd no longer have to deal with it. Assholes.
Of course, now *I* have to deal with it, because it makes ME look like I'm a fucking college student and/or that I'm too lazy to get rid of my couch in a civilized fashion. This has me pissed beyond words. Sure, we may not have the most impressive lawn on the block (hell, we rent the house -- we're not about to install a sprinkler system), but at least it didn't used to have fucking furniture on it, like some dump on Greek Row.
I checked CL before posting this, and (to my complete lack of surprise), there is no post advertising a free couch. So whoever put this stupid fucking couch in my front yard is hoping that somebody will just *happen* to drive by with a pick-up and a hankering for skeezy, used furniture. This is a very unlikely scenario as we do not live on a main street. In fact, we live ONE STREET AWAY from a main street. Thus, most people who drive on our street are people WHO LIVE ON OUR STREET or the goddamned mailman. If you're just passing through the neighborhood, chances are you're going to be driving on Greenwood and not our street, thus GREATLY lowering the chances of somebody seeing the couch, wanting the couch and having a vehicle that is able to take the couch. Whoever has done this is clearly A GODDAMNED DOUCHEBAG, as this is going to condemn this poor couch to remain in front of my house in perpetuum, and I'd really like to have my house look somewhat respectable.
So, pretty fucking please, do me a favor and get rid of this eyesore. I don't care what you do with it. Need a place to store a dead body? I'm sure you could hollow out part of the couch. Need something with which to test your new trebuchet? Couches are quite aerodynamic. Need one more piece of furniture on which you can collapse after all of your frat brothers have finished drunkenly sodomizing you? It looks comfy enough for stomach sleeping. Hell, you hungry? You could probably eat the fucking thing. I honestly don't care what you do with it. If you want a free black couch, it's totally yours.
Just drive down Phinney Ave. between 68th and 70th streets and look for THE UGLY FUCKING BLACK COUCH WITH THE "FREE" SIGN ON IT and take it away. Please. Pretty please.
- this is in or around Phinney Ridge
- no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests