An open letter to the men who post in Casual Encounters. (Tips!)
I’ve been observing and laughing and on the verge of vomiting, so I’d like to give you a few tips to increase your chances of scoring a casual encounter, here on Craig’s List.
I’ll divide this up in sections:
Section 1: Photo tips
Section 2: General ad writing tips
-We HATE tiny cell phone pictures. What’s the point of posting them if we can’t see anything? Just get a damn camera or borrow one of your friend’s cameras, its not that hard.
Also, its never a good idea to use photos of yourself from family functions. We want to fuck, we don’t care what your families look like, so break out the pics of your skivvies lizard!
-Portly men, don’t take upshots of your faces, because it will make your double chin multiply.
This also goes for skinny guys, because this is NOT a good photo perspective. I’m eyeing you, Latino men who do the “what’s up” face or the faux gangster lean.
Even if you’re skinny, the underside of your chin will look fat, from that perspective.
A clear shot, straight-on or slightly angled above and pointing down produces a flattering photo for nearly every face and body shape.
Also, don’t wrinkle your forehead, the way the VAST majority of you do. This distorts your features and over a short time, will give you wrinkles.
-If you REALLY want to up your chances at getting laid, you must post a picture of your body AND your face.
It is BEYOND my understanding how some of you men will post your ad with no photo. Yeah, like women are going to be sooo eager to blindly want to swallow your sour cream rifle and let you fuck them because you’ve written such a tantalizing, misspelled ad with text abbreviations!
Anyway, I know you want to be discreet, but for a lot of women, the face HAS TO BE THERE. The body can always improve, later on.
Women are not like men, we won’t fuck just anyone with a hot body. You can have the body of an Adonis and the face of Carrot Top and most of us still wouldn’t want to pirhouette on your pole.
Case in point: Michael Phelps couldn’t even pay me to fuck him, suck him, or even give him a damn hand job. VOM.
-DON’T put a picture up of yourself wearing a blue tooth headset. Come on now, you can take that fucker out of your ear, NO ONE is going to call you, right as you’re taking your nude shots. I’d wager that 90% of the time that you blue tooth addicted bastards have that thing in your ear, the only calls you get are from your mother or the mother of your kids, because you haven’t paid this month’s child support, you deadbeat dad.
-DON’T post pictures of yourself with former sex partners/girlfriends. No one wants to see who their fuck buddy has fucked before.
Especially the same pic I keep seeing of some dude with his stain-maker between a chubby woman’s pale, blue-vein-plagued cow titties, with the weird invisible colored nipples on the very south end of the utters.
-DON’T post pictures of the sex acts you want to do with us. We know what it looks like. Doing this just makes it seem like you lifted the images from your favorite porn sites.
We don’t want to think about the large collection of XXX images that you’ve culled from the web and have hidden in a secret folder on your laptop, labeled “Fappaccino”.
-DON’T post headless pictures of you with your cum all over your naked body. That’s not hot, because we don’t know what your face looks like. Your cock shot shouldn’t look like cutting room floor frames from a poorly made David Lynch-inspired student film.
-If you have an appendix scar, its best that you don’t crop your face out of the photo. Appendix scars are generally repugnant, so you’d have better luck scoring some lady love if she happens to like your face. A hot face excuses an appendix scar.
-Ashy cocks are NOT hot. Ever. Moisturize before you take your pictures, please and thank you.
Chances are that you were getting all hot and bothered, with the thought of even taking nudes of yourself, so there’s no excuse why you didn’t moisturize, since I’m sure that all of you jacked off, after the picture was taken.
-Why on earth do some of you post flaccid cock shots? Don’t get me wrong, I love cock and I even love the way it looks flaccid, but I’m in the vast minority.
Most women think that flaccid cocks are ugly. You’re here to find someone to fuck, so you need to post a pic of what you’re going to deliver, duh.
Even if you’re huge, most women will be turned off by a picture of your sleeping sandworm.
-If you have a particularly small package, your best bet is to zoom in with your camera and take a pic of your wee one in a mirror, to give the illusion of a bigger nuke.
Don’t you dare put your hands on or near it in the photo! We’ll be able to gauge how much you’re lacking, by comparing your tater tot to your hand.
-The shot you love to post where you’re lying down, grabbing your piss whistle is not a good angle. Your junk is always going to look smaller, especially with your hand covering the area that connects your root to your body. Unless you’re a very well-endowed man, don’t do that.
The side view is always better, because it flatters most cock sizes and gives us a good idea enough view of your tent pole, to decide whether or not you’re going to be worth contacting.
-Trim your pubic hair! We don’t want to see kinky curls surrounding your jizz syringe, golden straw poking out three inches from your body, or a pubic bush that resembles Phil Spector’s court room white boy fro. Thick bushes likely harbor an acrid smell and/or prime real estate for crabs.
You expect us to clean our shit up, so heed your own advice! We do a lot more than you ever will. You can handle swiping a BIC across your shit, once in a while or a few passes with a handheld electric shaver.
Pubic hair shouldn’t sprawl all over your inner and upper thighs, like climbing Ivy vines.
If you want any kind of attention paid to your balls, shave them, or at the very least, trim the hair.
It is sooo NOT HOT when rogue ball hair tickles the inside of your sex partner’s nostrils, when they’ve so graciously decided to give your balls that rare, royal treatment.
We don’t expect you to shave off all of your pubic hair (some of us prefer that you don’t), we just think that you need to mow the lawn when you can’t find the garden hose in the grass anymore.
-DON’T post pictures of you grabbing your cock through your boxers. It just makes us think that you have a small cock and this is your not so clever way of camouflaging it. You could have a two inch penis in there with a half eaten Kiolbasa from lunch tied to it with dental floss.
Even if you’re the proud owner of a twelve inch train, it might be ugly or it might have something awful, like herpes on it. So, we need to see your bare cock.
-Choose your sheets wisely, when taking a nude photo that involves your bed.
If you’re lying on mauve silk or floral-overload sheets, we’ll think that:
a.) You’re gay
b.) You have a girlfriend that buys your sheets from the clearance section at Anna’s Linens
c.) You live with your mother and you’ve got a disgusting fetish for doing nasty things in your mom’s bed, probably while wearing her above the navel panties.
#1 rule of writing a fuck ad:
Spell correctly and don’t type your message like you type your fucking texts!
You’re not a 16 years old texting queen, you’re a man and you should spell correctly and write out your words in full.
If you’re not proficient with basic spelling, write your message in Microsoft Word first, so the spell check will point out your errors. Then, copypasta to your ad to Craig’s List. Simple.
I know that you’re horny, but if you don’t put forth the effort, you’ll never get the results that you want.
-DON’T describe yourself as “cute”.
Puppies are cute, Sanrio characters are cute, and that morbidly obese baby from China is strangely cute. Describe yourself as “handsome”.
Even calling yourself “hot” is always up for debate and can come off as cocky.
I know that you essentially have to be a car salesman on this thing, and that some of you are trying to sell a lemon to an unsuspecting first-time buyer, but you really shouldn’t get ahead of yourself. Because, if we get interested enough to take a test spin, we might not even put the key in the ignition because the car wasn’t at all as it was described.
-Choose your headlines better. Here are two examples that pop up often:
1. “Young hot cum sluts with big tits that love hot loads in their throats ONLY!”
Dude, you watch too many pornos. Real life is not like that. Your porn lingo is not hot. I’m sorry that when you were a kid, your mom’s boyfriend of the week exposed you to porn at such an early age; that truly is a form of child abuse.
2. “Hard rite now! Need to cum! All horny ladies msg me!” Um, no.
I don’t care if you’re hard when you post your ad. By the time anyone contacts you, your hard-on will have deflated.
Just tempt us with good photos and leave the current status of your hard-on out of it. The urgency makes you seem pathetic.
Also, refrain from using the word “need” in your ad, especially in all capitals, which is equally pathetic.
-DON’T post more than once in a day. Hell, even more than once in a week.
Multiple postings give the impression that no one wants your bald-headed yogurt slinger.
-Asking for just a blow job and only a blow job is an unrealistic request.
Do you actually think that a good-looking woman is going to be desperate enough to drive her ass all the way to your home, suck your dick, and leave?
Again, stop watching so much goddamn porn. Take a few minutes out of everyday, to put the bottle of hair conditioner and the remote down and step outside, breathe some fresh air, and interact with real people.
If a girl is going to suck your cock and let you cum down her throat, there’s a good possibility that she’s got a prescription for Valtrex in her purse.
The girl who will giddily respond to a bj-only ad is a girl who has to take what she can get, because no one will fuck her STD-ridden pussy.
-When referring to vagina, don’t call it a “kitty” and please, don’t spell it “kittie”, that’s fucking dumb. The word “pussy” is acceptable in this particular forum.
I’ve actually seen “beef curtains” mentioned. Are you fucking serious? Wow.
There’s a variety of ways to successfully dirty talk and then there’s using the word “beef curtains”. Don’t compare vagina with anything you can purchase from a deli! So gross.
-I love how you guys sometimes claim to be rich or uber-successful business men. Haha!
If you really were, you wouldn’t be on Craig’s List, you’d be able to hire someone to wrangle pussy for you.
-You guys with the lactating preggo fetishes need to get some fucking help. Mother issues are soooo NOT HOT.
Same goes for you psycho fucks that want to bring feces into the boudoir. You need to GTFO and check yourself into a mental institution like…NAO!!!!!
Follow these tips and you will increase your chances of getting laid via Craig’s List. Soon, you’ll be questioning whether or not you’ve got strep throat or something much more delicious, and getting the text: Missed my period. What do we do now?
Good luck in the casual sex game. May all the women that respond to your ads look like the photos that they’ve sent you and may all of your fuck dates go as planned!
ALWAYS, ALWAYS practice safe sex. :)
- Location: San Antonio
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests