best of craigslist > phoenix > A Fatal Attraction To Trouble
Originally Posted: 2006-01-01 11:27am

A Fatal Attraction To Trouble

You were the mugger/robber at Awkatukee theatres two nights ago.

I was the man who robbed you in return.

Did you honestly expect me to just hand over my wallet to you?

I’m a foot taller than you.

Did you honestly expect me to be scared of your kitchen knife?

I love how you peed yourself when I opened my trunk and cocked a shotgun in your face.

Did you honestly expect me to let you call my girlfriend a whore?

I used the money from your wallet to buy her some New Years lingerie.

I threw your clothes in the dumpster behind Best Buy, across from the theatres.

Are you still tied with jumper cables to the handicapped sign pole? I hope not.

Thank you for the use of your credit card. You can get away with not showing identification at Safeway, Chevron, and many other places. You just saved me a fortune on alcohol for New Years, groceries for two weeks at least, and I also got a full take of gas. I also bought myself some New Year’s cologne from the mall, ate a sensible lunch at Subway, and my girlfriend wanted some shoes at Saks Fifth Avenue; and I renewed both our gym passes. Then, it was maxed out, and I was sad. I think it was the shoes that did that. Sorry.

I sold your gold jewelry to a pawn store in Tempe, one plaza down from the 99 cent store. Same for your diamond (and it was real, to think I doubted you) stud earring. I stuffed the money from those items in the crippled children’s jar at 7/11.

I think your knife might be in the street still, or the parking lot where you tried to rob me.

So, Mr. Robber, the next time you try to mug a 6’8, 230 pound, man who grew up middle class white trash, please, think twice. My kind, doesn’t like your kind.

In fact we hate everything about you.

Your Friend,

The man who robbed a robber.

post id: 121820819

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