Anyway, I was taken aback by the price, but I decided to unfold the jeans to see if there was something special about them that warranted the outrageous price. There was.....in the form of FAKE OIL STAINS! What the fuck?!?!?! $150 for jeans with FAKE OIL STAINS?!?! I hate to think that some douchebag is walking around New York City telling people he just got done working on his car. No you didn't, you fucking asshat! You've been sitting in Starbucks, sipping your White Chocolate Mochaccino while staring at your reflection on the back of a spoon! Even if you had a car, you wouldn't know how to work on it. I sincerely question your ability to even unlock the doors without pushing a button on the keychain!
I quickly put that pair back on its shelf, and moved on to another pair by a different, but equally unheard-of, brand. This pair cost $180. What the fuck is going on here? Once again, I unfolded them to see if there was more to them, and again there was.....in the form of FAKE INK STAINS! Is this a new trend? Actually, for New York, this is a little more believable. I can totally picture some douchebag at a happy hour saying to a girl: "...yeah, my company let us wear jeans to work since it was casual friday, and of all days, my stupid pen had to explode. I mean come on! Who uses Bic anyway? I told my boss that I'm going to quit if he doesn't start buying Cross pens! That cheap bastard.......Bartender, I'll take another Cosmo..."
In any case, I've decided that I want to become a jeans designer, because there's obviously a lot of money to be made in doing this. I even came up with my first three designs, which I developed using my high-quality graphic design software...you may have heard of it, its called Paint.
Poop: This pair features a stain that makes you look like you don't wipe your ass very well, or at all. For that matter, it makes you look like you didn't even take your pants off. This jean is perfect for guys who are having trouble with their masculinity. You could say to the ladies "Real men only use single-ply". Maybe even, "Poop first, ask questions later." Price: $140
More important than stain however, is the intricate stitching on the back pocket of all of the jeans in my collection. For those of you who are not fashion aficionados like I am, an intricate but completely unnecessary stitch pattern on the back pocket designates "designer jeans."
Pee: This pair has been cleverly dyed to look like you peed yourself. Perfect for frat boys, and wanna-be frat boys, especially in the Murray Hill area. Picture this, you wear these jeans to the bar (don't forget the Lacoste polo , popped collar) and quickly order 5 beers. Then when no one is looking, pour 4 of your beers out in the corner and then go tell your friends, "I just pounded 4 beers, man! Yeah, I peed myself, but I'm soooooooo wasted." Then pound the 5th beer. Everyone will think you are the coolest guy ever and the girls will flock to you. Price: $170.
Pop: Hook up stories are always great, and nothing is better than having a hookup story AT the bar. Wear these jeans when you go to meet up with friends at a bar. When they ask you where you were, you say "Dude, I just got a BJ from [point to hot chick] in the bathroom." When they don't believe you, just show them the cleverly placed fake jizz stains on your jeans as proof. All of your friends will think you are cool and will commence buying you drinks. Hot girls will see your friends treating you like God and will become very attracted to you. Price: $220 (extra dyeing and bleaching required for these stains)
I needed a name for my jeans and I decided to name them after their theme: body functions.
But that didn't sound that great, so I dropped the 'body' part of it and made functions singular: function
Better, but not that great. REAL designer jeans (like 'energie' - the brand my roommate owns) have misspellings that are oh-so trendy. I came up with: phunction
Not quite there yet....I changed another letter and made it capital. And introducing my new line of jeans:
I'm gonna be so rich.