Etiquette Guide for Casual Sex
1. Don’t say “I never do this” and expect me to believe you. Of course you do this, so do I, and you’re saying that you normally don’t implies that if I do, then I am some kind of a slut. Don’t make me feel like a slut. You are not a stand-up guy and we are here to bang so drop the act, wear a condom and don’t expect to discuss our sexual histories because we are both going to lie anyway.
2. Don’t try and have casual, meaningless conversation when we get back to our respective destination. I don’t really care what you do for a living, where you’re from, or your childhood drama. You’re there for one purpose only. Anything I needed to know about you I already found out -primarily from observation. Are you attractive, not wearing pegged jeans or bad shoes. These are the only attributes I’m interested in – so please keep your mouth shut. Out of respect I will do the same.
3. Do ask permission to do things to me and my home. Ask to take a shower, ask to go through my nightstand looking for a condom, ask before trying to go down on me, and ask me if you want something from me too. We can’t pretend to be familiar with each other so be polite.
4. Speaking of asking, please remember that I don’t know you and I don’t know what you like. You also don’t know what I like so while I appreciate your adventurousness, it is essential that you listen to what I tell you. For example “OW” means that I don’t like what you are doing so stop gripping my nipples like they are handlebars and now that I’ve said “OW,” don’t go back to the nipples- especially not with your teeth. Similarly, if I ask you what you like- then tell me something, tell me anything because I am looking at your dick and it isn’t doing what I thought it would so I need you to help me out- like I said, I don’t know you. Sidenote: I probably won’t want to give or receive oral sex. Despite popular belief not all girls are interested in guys “eating them out” – which by the way is terminology that is a definite turn off – anyway oral is something that I don’t really enjoy doing but yeah if you’re boyfriend - I love you in which case I’ll suck it till I get lock jaw. But you are not my boyfriend so I’m really not interested it getting your dick anywhere near my face. And if you’re into one night stands oral could lead to many diseases and is best avoided.
5. Don’t re-attempt to try things I’ve already made clear that I’m not interested in! I know it might be easier to get freaky with a stranger, but no still means no! And I’m not likely to change my mind 5 minutes later.
6. Don’t get offended if I call you by the wrong name while we’re having sex. In some cases I may not even remember your name and if I do – hey maybe I’m thinking about my ex-boyfriend or maybe I really like the name Paul. Either way – don’t judge me. You’re getting laid so don’t complain!
7. If I do let you stay over or I stay at your place – please no cuddling. Casual sex and cuddling just don’t go together.
8. You don’t get to see me naked. I have no problem with how I look, however; just because we had sex a moment ago doesn’t mean I want you admiring me with the lights on. That is something intimate that requires respect which is not necessarily part and parcel to the sex act we just enjoyed. I treat you with respect in regard to our romp by not expecting you to dress in front of me and I expect you to do the same. This means that you must pretend to be asleep if I get out of bed to put on clothes. Don’t comment. Similarly, if I choose to get dressed while you are in the bathroom, and then I go into the bathroom, this is your time to get dressed also. Please note, I will probably spend enough time in the bathroom for you to get dressed so do it. If I am in the bathroom for a longer time than you need, use the extra minutes to make the bed.
9. Make the bed.
10. Morning sex is off limits. The two primary reasons for this are 1. I got drunk in order to feel comfortable bringing you home and screwing, now I am not drunk and there is no longer any chance of screwing. That also goes for oral sex, even if I were to participate last night, there is NO chance of a stale, daylight, sober blow job for you. AND 2. too much nudity is prevalent in morning sex and I'm really not ready for that kind of commitment with you. See # 8.
11. If we had a great time and you want to hang out this morning, then ask me to breakfast. Don’t expect me to say yes. Don’t get huffy if I say no. If I do say yes and we do go to breakfast, understand that afterward I want to go home and shower and sleep and not talk to you.
12. Don’t ask for my number when you and I both know we have no intention or seeing one another again. Let’s not waste our energy. Most likely I don’t want your number and you don’t want mine. Exchanging numbers just leads to regret and self-doubt. If you don’t call then I'll wonder if I was a good lay or if I said/did anything wrong. Neither of us needs to go through that especially when it probably wasn’t bad and even if it wasn’t the greatest sex ever at least we both got laid. To quote the notable film Threesome, “To me sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”