If I hear these phrases again, I will stab you in the eye with a fork
1)“Cluster-fuck” - Why is everything that has the slightest error or problem referred to as a cluster-fuck? Can someone tell me? Every time someone fucks up you will hear “oh shit man, Penny got wasted at the client meeting and began calling the CEOs assholes and then took a shit on the conference room table, it was a real clusterfuck”
2)“Thrown under the bus” – Apparently, when you get fucked by your co-workers you get “thrown under the bus”; like the people who got hit by busses are real glad they are associated with these office shit heads. “You hear about John? He fucked his secretary in the break room floor, then she told his wife who quickly took half his shit and left him for dead, she really threw him under the bus!” (Both the secretary and wife could be the ones who threw him under the bus in this example).
3)“Touch base”- This is not baseball people, there is no need to refer, anyway, to baseball in the office. “I’ll call you back and we’ll touch bases next week.” Oh ya? How about I grab a bat and beat you to death with it and then we’ll talk?”
4)“Shoot me an email”- How about I just shoot you in the face instead?
5)“I’ll see what I can do on my end” – No you won’t. You will wait till that fucker calls you back and bends to your will. You might make a concession or two, but you really want the other asshole to get off his ass and do what he needs to do in order to make your job easier. We don’t need this bullshit phrase to act like we are really doing anything extra after we hang up the phone with that cocksucker.
6)“Seeing a lot of potential” – This might just be me, but I hear this phrase all the fucking time, “We see a lot of potential for growth; we see a lot of potential for revenue; we see a lot of potential to up-sell; we see a lot of potential for me to kill you.” This is the shit you say to your sister about her retarded kid who finger-paints well- “I see a lot of potential in Billy, if it weren’t for that lazy eye and dent in his forehead, he would be a great artist.”
7)“Come in to work on time.” – Who the fuck are you, my mother? I’ll come into work when I damn well please bitch. So what if I’m 47 minutes late? At least I came in. I’m hung-over as hell and I am not going to do shit but surf the internet and stare at my cube wall, but at least I made it in. Shit, I get not appreciation these days.
8)“Stop fucking my wife sir” – Ok, I admit I haven’t heard this but I would give my third testicle to. It would make a great office party story.
9)“With this economy we really have to decrease our profit margins and…..” – Just kill that motherfucker before he finishes. He is bullshitting you to no end. Kill him and take a dump on his chest-he deserves no mercy.
10)“I would like to assist you/facilitate with..”- If you are in sales, like me, you know you are going to hell when you say this to a customer/client. You are just bending him over and raping him for all he is worth. You, especially me, do not give a shit about them and could not care less. You want their money and playing the proverbial “wolf in sheep’s clothes trick” and you know it. If you call me and say this to me I will hunt you down and stab you in the eye with a large rusty fork.
11) “Pushback”, “Pullback”, “Resistance” – These are all pretty much the same thing and I hear them a lot, “I am getting a lot of pushback from my client on this deal.” No you aren’t; this only means is that your client/customer has half a brain and doesn’t want to buy your shitty product/service and stop trying to push this asshole into shit he doesn’t need. Hell, I wouldn’t purchase the shit I’m selling and frankly I think it’s a rip off. It’s not pushback, its fucking common sense.
12) “Screw the Pooch” – This was suggested in a response to a CL posting and I thank you for reminding me about this gem. Bestiality, people, it’s illegal (in most states I found out). It is no more appropriate to say “Boy that Dan sure screwed the underage children when he forgot he forgot his brief for the meeting.” We should lock people who use that phrase this like the sick bastards they are (Uncle Eddie I forgive you) with the real child molesters – that’ll teach ‘em a thing or two.
13)”Brown-noser/Suck-up” – I know some of you will be pissed at adding this and think this is CL suicide, but it has to go. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. This is getting old and we must find something else, because everyone that gets a raise, does more work, has the slightest authority over you, or just has a hotter wife (or husband for the women with shitty jobs like me) is a brown-noser or suck-up. We can do better. How about “Fucktard”, “Shit-Eater’, “Management-Whorebag”, “Work-lovers” (all accurately describe these people). I don’t know folks, I just point out the flaws, you have to make up new phrases for me to make fun of later; anything is an improvement.
14)”The phone is ringing off the hook” – Impossible. Even if you have multiple lines and the phone is “ringing off the hook”, here’s a suggestion: don’t pick it up. Unless you are curing cancer (which many sales and business people like to think they are doing) you do not have to answer the goddamn phone every time it rings. If it is an important call, they will leave a message and you can call them back, after you take a shit, nap and have a cup of coffee of course. So, turn off your ringer and stop using this phrase and telling me “how busy and important you are” or I will rip that phone out of your hand and smash your nuts with it.
15)”Remove from list” – This is more of an email thing, but equally annoying and infuriating. This is especially common occurrence with the office fuckwads who are emailing each other back and forth using the “send to all employees” list and you are forced to read these moronic comebacks and pathetic attempts to be funny to escape there pathetic and shit-filled jobs. But even more frustrating is someone, most of the time a manager, will send a simple “remove from list” to be funny and quaint, in a passive-aggressive shit-eating grin way. You know what I like to do after that? I sign them up for every Viagra, Teen/Amateur Sex, Penis enlargement, Tit-enhancement, High-school diploma, Free Sample, G.E.D., Bestiality, and gay spam that I can possibly find (most are already in my mailbox). So for the next few months they are forced to write “Remove from list” over and over again till their fingers bleed.
16) “You’re getting a raise!” – Sorry, never heard it.
17)”Someone has the cases of the Moondays” – Don’t get me wrong, I love OfficeSpace; it is one of the funniest movies ever. But I never heard this phrase until I heard it from that movie (maybe because I didn’t have a real job then) and now every Monday rolls around you can’t walk ten feet with out some assclown saying it. You know what? Every day is the same to me, I’m always hung-over and tired in the morning, and I hate going to work. I do not work at the fireworks, naked women and beer factory so I do not have a “super” time at work everyday. Next time I’ll tell them, “you know what? I’m taking next Monday off so I can go fuck your sister.” I guarantee that will be the last time you hear shit from that person.
18) “These receipts don’t match your expense report” – ‘You know why, because I was off getting shitfaced at a strip club and buying hookers on the company’s dime.’ Damn I would love to say that to the penny-pinching cunt who works payroll. Does every bitch in the world have to work at this position in every company in the world? I mean seriously, is it a prerequisite? Do you have to be the spawn of everything that is unholy to work in accounting? They all think they are the god of gods too. Next time that power-hungry bitch says this to me, I am going to buy a case of douche rags and put them on her desk anonymously. Then when the month rolls around I will put them on my expense report labeled “Office Supplies” and turn it in to her. I bet you she will not say a damn thing because that withered whore used them all up already.
19) “On the fence” – Another phrase common in sales. “Karl doesn’t know which temp to fuck. He could fuck Jessie, because she has a nice ass, or he could fuck Erica with the huge tits. He is really on the fence with this decision.” It is called hesitation people, we do it when they are thinking or stalling (most of the time stalling). Another phrase you hear associated with this, which also ties with #11, is “push them over the fence”. “Frank, you need to push these clients over the fence and convince them that our anal lube is the best. The best goddammit!” I would like to push you over the fence sir, and I hope on the other side of that fence is a large, steep and rocky cliff.
20)”Can you get me a cup of coffee?” – Fuck you! Get your own coffee prick! Does it say “office bitch” on my shirt? Oh right it does, sorry sir, I will get your coffee right away…(unzipping fly)
21) “Ramp up”- ‘Ok Jim, we have a lot of child porn to push this quarter, so we have to ramp up at our street flyers for this week’. Ramp up this, ramp up that, are more fake words for managers to try to sound like they are getting us to do more work. You know what? That isn’t going to happen, I have the same routine everyday no matter what time of the year it is, and 37% effort is as high as I go. When I get told to ramp up for the New Year, I call in sick the next day just to piss the twig-dick off. How about I break your legs and your ugly wife can push your gimp ass up and down the handicap ramps for awhile? Will that, for the love of god, make you not use this phrase again?
22) “Action items” – For people who use this word, everything is a fucking action item to them. What the fuck constitutes an action item? The way this fudge-packer talks at work my left nut is an action item. The next time this quief tells me to check my action items and have them handled, I’m going to whip out my dick and slap it on his desk and say “I got a new action item for you to handle, bitch.” These people should be tied to the back of a bus and dragged for several miles.
23) This is not really a phrase more of a thing you have to do all fucking day long – “Hey/How you doing? /What’s up” or any other form of “hi”. Why must I spend all day saying hello to people I see everyday? “Hey Bill, what’s up?”, “Well Jeb, I am actually still drunk from last night and I have no concept of right and wrong anymore. I think I’m going kill a goat then have sex with it. You?” It’s just annoying people. I might be ok with the head nod, but I feel like a goddamn bobble-head doll in work everyday. I saw you in the morning; I do not need to say “hey” at 8:45, 1:17, and 2:55. Does it really do anything? Do people go back to their desk and wonder, “That bitch Janice, didn’t ask me ‘what’s up’ after I got back from lunch. I think the next time I see her I’m going to cut her fingers off.” Let’s just have one “Hi” on Monday and just end it. The only exception is all the hot girls from the office, keeping doing what you’re doing. You know who you are, Julie…a.k.a. hot stuff. It’s the only thing I look forward to in the morning, you know it and I know it.
24) “I have a lot on my plate right now”- Bullshit. This is for people who want to sound like they are important and busy and do not have time to do anything else. I will tell you right now, I do not. This is a good phrase to throw to managers when they try to give you extra assignments or projects. “Frankly, I have a lot on my plate as it. I can’t handle anything, until I fully clear my plate, run the dishwasher, take a shit, and then nap. I’m sorry, your dry cleaning will just have to wait, boss.” I’ll stop using it if you guys stop using it. We can do this together people.
25) “Maximize Revenue” – This is usually associated with a shitty office party, decreased wages, unhappy workers, and bar stools as office chairs. When ever a CEO or President-type mentions this it means the workers are about to get fucked in the ass. Not only will the prices of your ass-crack products/services will go up, making it even more difficult to sell, and decreased wages, incentives and fun (I’m not crazy, I do not have fun at work, no, I mean office orgies and post-work beer fights=fun). Imagine Hell being the ideal office with the revenue at max, now every time they mention it, you are moving closer to there. Do a favor for the sake of the company: Cut off the CEO’s dick, because we all know he sends half his salary on hookers and prostitutes, and tell him that you just saved the company 10 thousand dollars a year.
26) “Think outside the box” – This is what insane people do. Don’t you want normal, god-fearing citizens to work for you and not a bunch of crazies? “You know Jim forgot his lunch today, but he ate his own fecal matter to save time and money. I like how he thinks outside the box.” This is just maddening to hear from people who should be thrown in to large cardboard boxes and beaten with golf clubs and thrown into a contaminated river.
27) “Pipeline” – This is often used to give you busy work. “We need to fill the pipeline” or “we have a lot of data in the pipeline” are both common phrases that make you want to beat yourself senseless with a lead pipe in order to escape this office lingo. If it is at all possible I would suggest taking a dump in the person’s desk drawer to silence them.
28) “PO and Invoice”- Why don’t we just use the simple actual words these things refer to? One is a ‘bill’ and the other is a ‘receipt’. There is no reason to make paying a bill anymore complicated than it already is. This is really simple and even Dave, the slow-witted guy from accounting, with the breath that smells like he ate a shit sandwich for breakfast, can understand with minimal assistance.
Well, I can’t think of anymore right now, so feel free to email me and offer some more and I will help you vent. I am available for writing/stand-up gigs.
Let me know..