Liberals are out to get me
I was walking down the Bowery between Bleecker and Houston when a giant red demon emerged from a GE Capital construction trailer on the same side of the street as CBGBs.
"Ha ha, mortal! I am a liberal! Be frightened!" he bellowed.
Now I know a few things about liberals. First, every red-blooded, gun-totin', commie-hatin good ol' son of the US of A should beware. Liberals will suck your blood dry. Kill and eat your children. Lower your sperm count. Shrink your girlfriend's fake boobs. Turn your butter into margarine. Eat the filling out of your Twinkies, leaving you with just the dry cake of a shell.
Now Merle, back home in Oklahoma, told me that when I came out East that I'd run across a few of these liberals, but he told me they were all pansies. The men wear gaybo tweed jackets with the patches on the elbows and little Sherlock Holmes hats. The women have hairy armpits, little bittie hooters, and don't use hair spray. So nothing prepared me for this big, kinda musty-smelling, demony thing that just popped out of nowhere from this trailer.
"Ha ha, mortal! You must now associate with JEWS and DARKIES!" he muttered. "Give me your GUN! It is EVIL! Do not PRAY for you may be near a SCHOOL ZONE! Are you wearing your SEAT BELT?"
Well, I was taken aback by this, seeing as how I was just walking (costs too much nowadays to keep the F350 in gas) but still kept my composure. Down on the farm, cousin Jolene thought she got a speech like this from our bull Hector, but we thought that was just some bad lemonade, the humidity, and her time of the month. Think I'll start givin a little more credit to Jolene.
The demon kept yappin. "Ha ha, mortal! You must now attend a LESBIAN WEDDING! And bring them a gift certificate from POTTERY BARN that they will use to buy a FONDUE SET! Or maybe some of those really cute STEMWARE pieces with the little green DESIGNS on them!"
I was getting a little tired of this by now. It started off as a fairly interesting New York City experience that I could share with my pals at home over a nice cold bottle of Pabst, but my sensibilities were starting to get offended. After all, I'm a die-hard supporter of our President, his daddy before him, and (take yer hat off here, boys) The Original Mr. President, Ronald Reagan Himself. I don't take kindly to Pottery Barn and felt myself starting to get a little red in the face.
"Ha ha, mortal! You must now sign this PETITION to bring the TROOPS home from IRAQ and AFGHANISTAN! We will send it to CONGRESSMAN NADLER who will immediately redress our grievances as allowed for in the FIRST AMENDMENT!"
Well. I started getting really PO'd here, since cousin Merle told me that liberals hated all the amendments, even the ones that aren't the second. And the troops? Well, if it wasn't for my bum knee, bad back, and that thresher accident that left me deaf in my left ear, I'd be right in the Marine Corps recruiting center right now. So I figured I'd fight fire with fire.
I said, "Hey, LIBERAL!"
He said, "Ha ha, mortal. What?"
I said, "You can just stop popping your demon head around every corner. Me and my boys will be ready with our guns and good ol country music. Fearless Leader Limbaugh will make sure that you and your race-mixin, gay-marryin, gun-snatchin, pinko-lovin, French-wine-drinkin, tax-and-spendin, criminal-coddlin, baby-murderin' buddies will never triumph!"
He said, "Ha ha, mortal. You're an idiot, you know that?"
I said, "Yes, I am, and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT."
He said, "Ha ha, mortal! OK, then!" and vanished in a self-satisfied cloud of patchouli-scented smoke.
So in closing, just wanted to warn all you good Americans out there that there really are liberals lurking around every corner, threatening your VERY WAY OF LIFE. What you really ought to do is take every opportunity to point out any liberals you see to everyone on Craigslist, loudly, and show them for the evil doers that they are! That way we can make sure that heroes like Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms, Newt Gingrich and Betty Crocker will not have died in vain!
this is in or around nyc