To My 83rd St. Neighbor: It's REALLY Not What You Think! - w4m
It's time we cleared the air. I need to be honest with you, because you probably have the wrong idea. This really isn't what you think.
1) I'M NOT REALLY A SLUT.
Look, we usually run each other once every few months. It's not either of our faults that every single time it seems like I'm with a different guy. But you have to believe me when I tell you that EVERY SINGLE TIME it is either my brother or the exterminator or a colleague who has stopped by briefly to pick up a folder I accidentally brought home. I promise, I'M NOT REALLY A SLUT.
2) I'M NOT REALLY A FUTURE DIABETIC.
So you caught me with no fewer than 3 Slurpees in a drink carrier the other night. So what?! 2 of them were sugar-free, for your information. And besides, I don't lack self-control, just decision-making skills. You really must believe me when I say, I'M NOT REALLY A FUTURE DIABETIC.
3) I'M NOT REALLY ABLE TO CARRY MY LAUNDRY UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.
You asked me the other night if I needed help with my laundry. I was drenched from the rain and my hands were full. Nevertheless, I put on my bravest face and said, "No, I'm fine!" After we checked our mail, you asked again, and I continued to deny needing help. We trudged up the stairs, you flashing your most adorable smile, and you asked one last time: "Are you sure you don't want some help with that?" Now, this time when I responded in the negative, you should have done the manly thing and just TAKEN MY LAUNDRY because it didn't hit me until I walked in my door and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" at the top of my lungs that you were just angling for some nookie. And besides, I'M NOT REALLY ABLE TO CARRY MY LAUNDRY UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.
4) I'M NOT REALLY A GAMBLER.
The other day, I was feeling pretty down on my luck. So I stumbled to the nearest 7-11, and, figuring my luck couldn't really GET any worse, I bought $50 worth of scratchers (in addition to the 3 Slurpees). Indeed, I won my $50 back, but not before you shot me an alarmed look as we crossed paths on the stoop - lottery tickets spilling out of the pockets of my trench coat. Please just hear me out, I'M NOT REALLY A GAMBLER.
5) I'M NOT REALLY HANGING OUT WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE.
On that same fateful voyage to 7-11, I ran into one of my girl friends, and she decided that we needed something cheap-and-dirty to cheer us up. Thumbing our noses at top-shelf mags and Black-&-Mild's, we settled on two 40-ounce bottles of a beer I'd really rather NOT name. Despite the fact that she looked a little ragged and crazy with a brown paper bag clutched in each grubby paw, there was no need to sniff your nose at us, because in any event it'd be charity work, but I'M NOT REALLY HANGING OUT WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE.
6) I'M NOT REALLY WORRIED THAT I HAVE A GAS LEAK.
This is just a plan I have hatched under the general category, "Reasons I Might Pull A Damsel-In-Distress On Your Doormat Tomorrow". If you open the door one day and I'm jabbering about this, just know that I'm only trying to rectify the fact that we've missed out on 20+ golden opportunities to get it on, and so I'M NOT REALLY WORRIED THAT I HAVE A GAS LEAK.
7) I'M NOT REALLY TOO SHORT TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB IN MY BEDROOM.
The last guy you saw with me got punched in the gut for ruining my game. That was my colleague. I told him about this problem we're having, where you're getting all the wrong ideas about me. He felt bad, and so he hatched an evil plan to lure you into my dark bedroom. First, I'd remove the bulb from my bedroom fixture. Then, I'd shake the filament out. Next, I'd screw it back into its socket. Then, I'd flip the switch and burn the bulb. Finally, I'd get you from upstairs and hopefully I'd be the next thing screwed in my dark bedroom. But you should know this would not be a coincidence, and that I really want you, because I'M NOT REALLY TOO SHORT TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB IN MY BEDROOM.
8) I'M KIND OF A 'HO.
Yeah, I know I said that I'm not really a slut (supra, paragraph 1). But that doesn't mean I'm not kind of a 'ho. Between you and me, I'd love to get it on with you. You've been giving me the hottest bedroom eyes ever since I moved here, and it's time we put those eyes where they belong... but if you don't hurry up and move in on this, you'll never truly know that I'M KIND OF A 'HO.
In one short week, it will be too late for us to live this extremely hot dream, because I'm about to be drawn into a relationship. If you have a friend living on the right floor of a building on the right street, pass this along to them. Come on, let's go.
With warm regards,
Your 4th Floor Friend
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