Originally Posted: 2003-09-26 09:54 (no longer live)
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MC with the 19 E. 44th St. Shitter; a Double Entendre in Prose

Dear Sir (or Madam???)

A colleague of mine has alerted me to your activities, as sadly, I do not work at your locale. My magnificent obsession with your raffish behavior started with the following memo she forwarded to me:

It has been brought to my attention that someone from the fifth floor has been defecating in the Men’s Room on the walls, floor and toilet seat on a regular basis.

Not only is this an unsanitary practice, it also makes the restroom unusable to the other tenants on the floor.

Please respect your neighbors and help keep the restrooms clean.


Since then I have been intrigued, as you are obviously a driven individual. I am too far along in years to hope for a man with potential, I merely take a motivated individual where I can find him. I grade on a bell curve, so to speak:

a. A man loading dirt into his living room so he may replicate Devil's Tower. No problem.

b. A man who keeps inordinate amounts of candy around his apartment and frequents playgrounds. No problem.

c. An elusive stranger who has amassed many architectural specs, models, and photos of tall buildings and is very eager to learn how to manage an airliner in flight, f**k that taking off and landing shit. No problem.

(In regards to the previous, I actually have not hit that level of degredation or desperation yet.)

That said, you can imagine my delight and pride when you answered the aforementioned memo with your own special rectal utterance(s), as reported by my secret bathroom operative:

... The shit-smearer responded with increased activity within an hour of the memo distribution...The gossip train indicates that a cleaning lady who hasn’t been seen lately had been reduced to tears at one point. We don’t know why she isn’t around.

What can I say? I am impressed. Clearly this cleaning person has not gotten the proper training to deal with a person of your caliber: she is but a mere dilettante. I am certain that only performing cleaning detail on the A,C,E, or G trains would be the adequate prerequisite for getting one's self on par with your erstwhile shenanigans.

Speaking for myself, an artist cum Property Manager, your type would present a provocative challenge for me. But regrettably, I have only dealt with toilets clogged by old farts whose bowels are beyond the point that Metamucil can hope to address--- although (to be fair) the hooligan who pissed blood on the floor certainly gave me material for introspection. But I digress...

I have forwarded your antics to some of my co-workers and my own father and they all have found them most entertaining. It has also been a source of spirited debate as to how you apply the feces to the walls. Do you bring a spatula? A grout knife or squeegee? ---OR--- Do you muster the velocity within your innards to project this matter on the walls directly? If so, this must take a lot of discipline. This may very well be a form of yoga which I have yet to become acquainted. Mazeltov.

I have also created a number of songs in tribute to your civil disobediance of toilet etiquette. Some of my better creations are as follows:

1. "Bowels to the Wall", an adaptation of Accept's groundbreaking heavy metal songmaking.

2. "Shitman", a la Soundgarden: "Shitman, come together with your hands (and smear it on the walls)..."

3. "It's Time to Potty", a rendition of Anrdew W.K.'s sensitive songstering. I can see a music video out of this one: "open your mouth or I am going to (shit) in your face"---whilst shouting into a toilet bowl, for obvious reasons.

4. "The Shitter", a modification on Judas Priest's "The Ripper". "...when you least expect me, when you turn your back, I'll attack..."

5. I am certain Van Halen could be utilized as well, although I lack the focus at this time to pinpoint it. Perhaps "Unchained" could be the raw material for this one?

5 1/2. Okay, this one was created by my boyfriend under different circumstances, but it is nonetheless relevant: "Brownfinger" After all, "He is the man, the man with the brown hand..."

I hope I have given you a fraction of the joy that you have given me, dear Shitter, and do let us in on any of the pertinent tips or tricks of your craft. Your public awaits...




post id: 16814799