Stink, Stank, Stunk - The DOs and DON'Ts of Farting
One reason it stinks so bad here is the sheer number of inhabitants. You pack 8 or 10 million people into a place this size and things are bound to get ugly. Especially on the train, where you can always count on someone stinking things up. Body odor, unwashed hair, foot funk. And worst of all, some nasty ass motherfucker always has to FART!!! If it wasn't so disgusting it might actually be funny - everyone looking around, trying to ferret out the guilty party, but trying not to look too enthusiastic about it (remember the old saying, 'he who smelt it, dealt it?')
I will never forget the night I was stuck on the A train (which of course was making local stops) going home to Washington Heights. Although it was like 3 am, the car was full, with standing room only. As we made our way slowly uptown, I became aware of a foul stench which soon expanded to permeate every molecule of air in the crowded car. (Due to my superior sense of smell, I am unfortunately the first to notice things like this). It was so bad that it wasn't long before EVERYBODY smelled it. Passengers began looking around indignantly, nostrils flared, and everyone was instantly a suspect. It was so pervasive and overwhelming that it quickly became the main topic of discussion. People who would never under normal circumstances exchange two words suddenly bonded over the horrible stench that now held them hostage. It would have been heartwarming had I not been so fucking pissed off. I was afraid to even breathe. And the worst thing was, it lingered FOREVER. It just refused to go away. People were prying open windows, pulling their shirts up over their faces - it really was THAT bad. When I finally got home, I took an extra-intense shower, trying to scrub any remaining particles off me.
I just don't understand how people can think its ok to subject everyone to their noxious emissions. Hold that shit in, for god's sake, until you're in a nice open area with ventilation. In the name of good manners, I think we need to go over a few points regarding the DOs and DON'Ts of farting:
Go ahead and let it rip if:
1. You are in the train station and a train is either entering or departing. This kicks up sufficient wind to successfully camouflage any wind you may have created.
2. You are outside and moving around.
3. You sneak up behind some wanker in a crowded nightclub, let it rip, then run away. I used to have friends who made a regular sport of this and it was hysterical.
4. You are in an area which already stinks to high heaven (the sewer treatment plant, Staten Island, etc.)
5. You are in your own house. The rule is, if you pay to live there, then you can fart freely, being considerate of roommates and guests, of course.
Keep it to yourself if:
1. You are in an elevator. This is the ultimate farting DON'T and if you are unlucky enough to do this in an elevator I am occupying, I will promptly stick a cork up your ass so it never happens again, you dirty pig!
2. You are just about anywhere else indoors (except the bathroom or your own house, as stated above). When I used to manage a thrift store, for some reason people felt like it was ok to just go around randomly farting. I can't recount the number of times I had to go running into my office after someone dropped a bomb on the sales floor. Honestly, would you do that in Saks? I hope not.
3. You think its funny to do the 'dutch oven' when you're in bed with someone. If you're lucky enough to get laid, you might not want to ruin your chances of it happening again by acting like Beavis and Butthead.
4. You are in a vehicle occupied by anyone other than yourself.
5. You are anywhere near me. I can't stand it when people fart around me, it's one of my biggest pet peeves. I am too much of a lady to do that in front of anyone; I'd rather die or explode. I lived with someone for 4 years and I never farted around him until one day when I got completely fed up with him constantly doing it around me. I waited until he ripped one, then it was my turn. He was so shocked he almost fell off the couch. Then we both laughed until we couldn't breathe.
So please, consider the olfactory welfare of your fellow human beings, especially in a city that already stinks as much as New York. Following these simple guidelines will make life a little more bearable for all of us here. Thank you and goodnight.