The girls I have dated
Claire Bear - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.
Barbara - My first slut. How many guys in the dorm did you do? Don’t get me wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy - you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great Bjs.
Mrs. Horn - I don’t even know your first name. But I don’t feel badly because I don’t think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year’s Eve party, you were so drunk Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down by the waterfront with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn’t recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You’re screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don’t. Guess I’ve changed a lot since I was 17.
Judy - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought that’s the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could lose some weight, but it wouldn’t really matter because you would still be ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don’t think you did.
Kathy - My fellow lab intern. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a Seinfeld episode - I didn’t know your name. Yeah, you told me that afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next morning in the lab. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to betray some boyfriend. I didn’t really care.
Allison - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I’ve ever met. Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don’t think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it’s OK to move while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn’t want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I’d run out of the room. I dunno, maybe I would have. You’re academically very smart, now apply those brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.
Julia - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were brilliant, yet flunking out of Grad School. You were a lesbian sleeping with a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later found out that you were teaching the whole dorm everything. Great sex, but such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right: “I thought you might come over.” Can you tell me how many times I ate your pussy after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?
Carolyn - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing Julia was in the room next door? Why did you let me finger you under the table knowing my girlfriend was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these years later, I looked you up on the interent and found you live with your mother. Time’s ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the sex was terrible!
Kathryn - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And you came along and believed in me. You were a virgin. You were the Valedictorian. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was “psycho bitch”. I’m so sorry Kathryn that you got to see all that family stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me because you’ll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone. Thank you.
Anne - You were Kathryn’s best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why would you constantly come over and tell Kathryn all the sordid details about how you were cheating on your husband - all the details except the part where you were doing all this cheating with me, Kathryn’s fiancee. You’re as twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone, Kathryn would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day. But she didn’t know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn’t have come up with a more ingenious plot twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.
Katie - You were a receptionist from Queens that I picked up at McSorelys. I was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really consider choosing better sex partners.
Polly - I’m just not ready to say anything here. I’ll give this one sentence and then move on. You are my s****r and that should never have happened.
Roberta - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Harvard and become a bigshot CEO. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!
Tammy - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Hampton’s rule book says you must wait until after Labor Day. So the day after Labor Day I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer - except that after I dropped you off each night and you’d give me that ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger, “No, no no. Not until after Labor Day”, I’d go over and fuck Roberta’s brains out. I’ll bet you’re now married, living on Park Avenue and your husband hates you. Never want to see you again. “No, no, no. Not until after I’m dead!”
? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after Labor Day - after everyone else had ended their season and gone back to New York City, I see you hanging around outside that Hampton’s bar at closing time, sitting on the fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride, but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about $5 at 7-11 to buy some beers and fucked you doggie style because I didn’t want to see your face. You were in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name. After I gave you a ride home, I went over the bridge and drove down Dune Road for maybe a mile. The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn’t want to go back to the beach house. I didn’t want to go back to New York City. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn’t - I haven’t cried since 3rd grade when my mother drove away. So no I didn’t cry. But I sat there until the sun came up.
Alexis - After that crazy Hampton’s summer, I really began to hate myself. So I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I meet you on a elevator. You were a wonderful person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically soft. I just wasn’t ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.
Jill #1 - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your tits sagged. Sex was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is “Suck my dick” - but you took it too literally. Don’t just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound. Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can’t believe I waited two years for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should never have fucked Alexis, because it re-opened the flood gates and you washed in.
Jill #2 - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not attractive, they do not want you in their clique. You mother obviously drank when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You went to an Ivy League College, but you’d suck your doorman if he got you into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That time in the sand dunes when we fucked and that total stranger came up to watch and you started jerking him off. And that time in front of your sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more than anyone else.
Fiona - You were the most boring girl I’ve ever endured. Who goes shopping for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying, “There, there. That’s OK. Accidents happen.” News flash, I came on your face to degrade you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee. You’re boring and you’re an idiot!
Karena - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Turkey. But you were really just a bitchy Staten Island girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it. It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver’s license. And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn’t. I’m not surprised you are still single. Go back to Turkey and suffocate your own kind.
Barbara - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did - just after I disrupted the Earth’s magnetic field. Flake.
Helen - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the ‘60s and stayed there. And what’s more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.
Emily - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some things you shouldn’t do: Don’t turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don’t know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don’t take a leak in a subway car. Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only image that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something kind about you. You loved it in the ass, “Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me deep and make it hurt!” You were at least good for something.
Page - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.
JoAnn - Picked you up on an Amtrak train. You were dull, but I went along on the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don’t hold it by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.
Elana - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn’t take you to my place. You had roommates who knew my