A Memo to Straight Women Seeking A Gay Male Friend
However, I have noticed that we've crossed over into a place where some women are just a little too comfortable with homosexuality. "Too much tolerance" you say? I'll explain.
Honestly, I am flattered when a woman says something along the lines of "you're cute. Too bad you're not straight." That's nice to hear. I'm not going into some PC tirade over a compliment. You know what though? I only need to hear it once. My friend's friend says it every time I see her. She does the rubbing my upper back back, hands in my hair shit. And you know what I want to say? "LISTEN. My being gay isn't the only reason it would never happen." Like, back the fuck up. And she's also volunteered to be my beard at events. "Great, we'll time travel to the 1950s when people in LA last did that."
I think "Will and Grace" has instructed an entire generation of women that gay men are dying - DYING! - to be your friend and indulge your every co-dependent and neurotic whim. We'll be there in a clinch with a "you go girl!" or "you look fierce!" Because we all love to say that stuff and many other quippy zingers.
Last Monday night, a woman at a bar came up to me and asked me if I was single. Not to disparage her, but let's just say I was happy to shut her down right away with an abrupt "I'm gay." And you know what? THAT DID NOT DETER HER.
She LIT up and said, "We can go shopping together and you can watch me play with myself with my Rabbit."
Ugggggghhhh... Do you ever not even know where to begin?
I wanted to say, "Yes, please, I am in the habit of befriending bar skanks in the first ten seconds of talking to them. And despite my lack of sexual attraction to women, I would simply LOVE to watch you get yourself off. JACKPOT!"
As far as the shopping thing goes: I love saying "I'm not really into shopping" and I just stand back and wait for their heads to explode. Their precious "Will and Grace" never prepared them for that possibility!
Call me uptight but I'm also against using the word "fag" aimed at me in some joking, campy way to demonstrate how comfortable you are with my being gay. This has happened to me. It's like a folksy gay-bashing without the exclamation point of the beatings. Let's from now on consult what I call "The Nigger Test" to see if a carefree epithet really is appropriate. The way it works is that when you want to call me "fag" you imagine instead that I'm black and that you're going to call me "nigger" in some whimsical, ironic way. If you would in fact drop the N bomb, then by all means, proceed!
Also, please refrain from referring to your gay friend as "my Will" or yourself as "Grace." That's totally queer. It was an okay show that's been off the air for over a year. Move on.
And lastly, just because you know another gay man who is single DOES NOT MEAN WE WOULD MAKE A PERFECT MATCH. I appreciate the desire to see me paired up but most women (or straight men who attempt this) think pairing up gays is as difficult as a game of Concentration. "Hey... there's one... there's another... done!" "This guy you want to pair me up with... what does he like to do in his free time? Does he vote? Does he read? Like to go out? Stay in? You don't know? So you just know his name and sexual orientation." PASS. And while I've got nothing against the uber-feminine gay men, and respect that they have a much tougher path than gay men who seem straight, please do not fix me up with them. Because I am not attracted to them, which you would know if you'd asked any of the pertinent questions before acting as a one-woman Match.com.
In closing, I am a friendly guy and like knowing people from all walks of life. But straight girls, just dial down the desperation level a couple of notches and find a more constructive way to deal with the void that the cancellation of "Sex and the City" has left in your life. (Full disclosure: I'm a total Miranda!) If we're meant to be friends, you'll let me breathe and know me for me, not as the hot urban accessory of the gay male friend. Thank you. I feel so much better.
- Location: Los Angeles
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