I don't want to see any more abdomens! Dress youselves appropriately!
1. Trader Joe's. The aisles are way too narrow and set up on weird angles so
every crunchy person in there is banging their cart into yours and blocking you from getting a simple jar of organic apple sauce with which to take your Effexor because they have to compare thirty different kinds of fucking nut butters. It's all still-married and still-fucking elderly couples with canvas tote bags buying $3 wine and 30-something guys named "Randy" in Tevas and "Astoria 5K Challenge 1994" t-shirts.
2. Coffee Bean employees. They don't know their own muffins. That pisses me off. I get the fucking "Corn Raspberry" every single day, when they manage to have it. So today I order it and the guy gives me a lowfat banana raspberry and I say that's not the one I want, I want the Corn Raspberry and he gives me an exasperated look and says why don't you just point out the one you want and then I have to guide him through the ENTIRE FUCKING MUFFIN TRAY ONE BY ONE saying TO THE LEFT, NO LEFT! LEFT! FORWARD! MORE FORWARD! And when he finally reaches the Corn Raspberry I say, "Yes! Yes! That one! The Corn
Raspberry!" and he says "*That's* the one you want?" incredulously as if it is not the Corn Raspberry, making ME feel like *I* am the crazy one, even though CLEARLY THERE IS ONLY ONE FUCKING CORN-BASED MUFFIN AT THE GODDAMN COFFEE BEAN!!!! FUCK!!!
3. People who say, "Where's it at?" "Where's the paper towels at?" "Where you at?"
4. The fact that I am NEVER somebody's "Missed Connection" even though I check fucking daily. It's always some guy who uses "your" instead of "you're" and is looking for some elfin brunette with ethereal and magical beauty from Trader Joe's. They are never looking for a clearly earthbound sarcastic blonde like me from the Food 4 Less.
5. People who say, "What all did you do?" "What all did you have done?" Fucking Oprah even said it on her makeover show the other day. Speak English correctly and stop sounding like an uneducated lout. No wonder Steadman won't marry you.
6. NO MORE VON DUTCH TRUCKER HATS. Their fashion moment was over in November, 2002. You can't go five fucking steps in the Beverly Center without hitting some acerebral curly-haired girl with her Mystic-tanned abdomen hanging out and a Von Dutch fucking trucker hat artfully placed askew on her moppet curls.
7. Lawyers and BMW-owners who get vanity plates which indicate that they are either lawyers or BMW-owners. I am a lawyer, but I wouldn't advertise it on my car with "LALAW95" or "LAWSHARK" or some lame-ass thing like that. And BMWs are not cool enough that a person should have a "BIMRGRL" or "BEEMER" plate. We see that you are in a BMW. Have some fucking subtlety.