A CL guide to paying your tuition without ever having a "real" job
Recently, I've come up with some very intuitive and genius ideas for paying my university tuition and, at the same time, affording myself the luxury of living in a kick-ass apartment and buying lavish items like multiple computers, name-brand clothing, and even semi-annual vacations. I thought I would pass on my genius to the rest of you. Call it karma. Or something.
1) BABY SELLING:
Requirements: woman, under age 35, and in good health. Ability to reproduce an asset, but not necessary.
It's called being a Surrogate and people are willing to pay you $30,000 (check it, yo. THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLAZ!) to have a baby and give it to them. Typically, these are older, rich couples and the woman's now incapable of having a child herself. You can either use your own egg or someone else's.
-Health insurance paid for a year
-Lots of gifts during the pregnancy
-Did I mention the THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLAZ?!
-Could cause emotional distress and fuck up your GPA because you sold your child
-Excessive weight gain if you have a tendency to pork out
-Undesirable for dating
2) SELLING YOUR EGGS:
Requirements: woman, under 30, and in good health. Helpful to have good genes and good educational background.
Egg donation takes about 3 months of time and involves injecting needles into you to stimulate your ovaries to produce an abundance of eggs. You then have a minor surgical procedure to extract these eggs.
Compensation: $10,000 to $15,000.
-Possibility of travel to nice locale, stay in a cool hotel and get a daily per diem of $100. Took a vacation to LA last year, got paid $10k, a rental car, luxury suite, a dozen roses to the egg buyers, and $100 a day to go shopping. Hell yeah.
-Egg donation could possibly result in terminal ovarian cancer and either the inability to reproduce in the future or death
-The drugs make you gain weight
3) DRUG DEALER:
Requirements: Personable, clean cut and youthful, reliable, and easy to get in touch with. A car is a perk. Must have pager and be available at odd hours.
If you know where to work, students can make a working living by selling drugs. The difficult part may be in finding a dealer who will sell to you at a fair price and may take some work. Once established, the possibilities are endless. Fun trips to small college towns are a must where you can crash parties and distribute pills for $20 a pop. Visits to high school shindigs will be lucrative, especially if you are a good looking dude or gal and know how to chat it up.
-Enough money to cover your rent and books
-Possible new friends and social networks
-May pick up drug habit that prohibits you from completing your degree
-May blow all of your money on drugs
-May get arrested and kicked out of school
4) SMALL TIME CROOK:
Requirements: a quick mind, intelligent, look good in black clothing, tight body to fit into small spaces.
I'm not talking about bank busts and gansta shit, but some simple B&E's, gas station robberies, and the like. My personal favorite and one which I incurred the most success is as follows:
Go to the dorms at your local college. It's nice to make some connections with the peeps at these schools. Bring a bag of laundry with you and an empty sack. An accomplice is not required, but very helpful on these missions, as is a cellular phone or walky-talky. While one person keeps watch, the other goes into the laundry room and ransacks the machines, taking out all clothing. Re-sell expensive clothing on eBay and keep the ones that fit for yourself.
-Save money and never shop again!
-Make enough money on eBay to pay books, entertainment, and food (yes, I have found D&G, Prada, and lots of A&F -- it adds up)
-Possible notoriety (one time I was in the school paper, listed as the "laundry bandit", but never caught. Mwhahahaha).
-You might get caught
5) USED UNDERGARMENT SELLER:
Requirements: attractive or at least able to produce fake images to give to random internet users, e-mail access, and a collection of underwear.
You might be interested to know that there are a large number of men who enjoy purchasing used underwear from anonymous people on the internet. As a woman, I have mailed my stained panties to several men for $20-30 a pop. As a woman, I have also pretended to be a man and wiped my cervical mucus into tube socks and boxer shorts for even more money (the men seem to pay more for guy cum and underwear - go figure). There are some men who get so into it that they pay for fingernails, pubic hair, and other gems for $20 bills flying in so quickly that you can't keep track. All correspondence through e-mail and postal service.
-You'll either have to have a lot of sex with yourself or with others to supply the never-ending demand. Either way, you'll relieve a lot of stress from all that studying
-Enough cash to keep you afloat for as long as you're willing to wipe your girl and boy cum into underwear
-Fun stories to tell people when you're drunk at night
-Possibility of encountering a weirdo stalker, but if you're careful, that won't happen.
Please share this helpful list with everyone you care about. I have managed to complete two university degrees and am currently in Medical School. I have never had a "real" job because I would rather concentrate on my studies. I'm living large (both in terms of my lifestyle and the fact that I've gained a few pounds from selling my babies - ah fuck) and I'm 100% debt free. Life is good! Peace!