Re: Fuck you Thanksgiving
I cannot make it to the family Thanksgiving meal this year for work reasons. Rather than eat a turkey sandwich from Boston Market I've decided to re-create a traditional Holiday meal. (Without the actual cooking. There will be drinks though.) I invite you to audition for one of the following roles or create your own and submit.
1. Father- Must be intoxicated well before the meal begins and begin unbuttoning the pants around meal time. You may be sans pants by dessert
2. Mother- Obsessive-compulsives are encouraged to apply. Ability to cry randomly due to such things as the color of the cranberries or your son being a jackass is a plus.
3. DrunkUncle- Creepy, jobless, and completely fucked on various hard liquors. Looking for plumper men with the uncanny knack for saying the wrong thing to other family members and then falling asleep by the mailbox.
4. Cousin #1- Completely silent. Has been so since 1996.
5. Cousin #2- Attends Ivy League Medical/Law/Business school. Must be clearly embarassed of family and have important people to call on the cell during dinner.
6. Cousin #3- Felon.
7. Cousin #4- On 3rd Marriage with 2 kids and 2 stepkids.
8. Cousin #4's Wife- Cunt.
9. P.I.G.- Person Invited by Guilt. Could be a lonely office rat or the neighbor who stands outside the window staring inside and looking morose. Very helpful if you look like a loner and have no social skills. Laugh loudly at family jokes and dispense advice to children. Come very overdressed and have a bottle of something disgusting. Cry in the bathroom.
The night will culminate with a round table discussion of what we're thankful for. Funniest response wins all the leftovers and the ability to supress such memories. Past winners include: 'My corns are gone!' and 'My ability to fly'
I am looking forward to the auditions. I would like to say in advance that the selection will be very tough and while all of you are qualified I had to go with my gut. We will be putting on a Christmas production as well. Good Luck.