A day in the life of an internet junkie
7:45 – Check the online weather and traffic reports, determine best and fastest route to work to avoid traffic.
7:50 – check all 5 email accounts; delete 300 spam emails, save 10 important emails to reply to later.
8:10 – A quick check of my favorite news sites, see what the top stories are. Typical thing every day, some guy killed another guy over a can of beer, Bush invades another country, Celebrity gossip spills into the “real news”
8:20 – one final check of the traffic situation. Some jackass could’ve just crashed his Escalade into the barrier on the highway while he was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, talking on the phone, combing his hair and adjusting the radio.
8:30 – turn off computer, hug and kiss the monitor and say, “I’ll be seeing you later!” Leave for work.
9:00 – arrive at comfy desk job in overpopulated office
9:10 – Get coffee and sit back and read more online news, warm up to a long day on the computer
9:30 – Google search, this is where I type in random words or phrases and see what comes up, quite fun!
10:00 – browse online forums, check out what the Honda guys are saying about the Ford guys, and maybe start an online fight between the two.
10:15 – browse the online personals; get skeptical at the quality of photos and the lack of description of some of these ads.
10:45 – browse the classifieds for sale, inquire online about cars and jewelry I have no intention of buying. Schedule to view and inspect the item for sale, never show up.
11:00 – Hit up eBay, try and find an image of the Virgin Mary in a pile of dried vomit some drunken college kid left on the floor from a party the night before. No luck
11:30 – Check out what going in the space community, when are they going to launch the shuttle again? Oh yeah, they’re all scared it’s going to explode on the launch pad. Come on, just launch the fucking thing.
11:45 – Sign up in some random forum with the screen name F-U and start talking shit in my first post. Get flamed and called a Noob (What the hell is a noob anyway? I know its trying to portray I’m a newbie so why not just write newbie? Huh?)
12:00 – Lunch time! Respond to my personal emails while eating a sandwich and check each one of my email accounts again. 50 new emails, all junk.
12:45 – Step outside for a brief moment, I have to squint my eyes since it’s the first time I’ve seen the sun this month. Run back inside in fear of getting burned alive.
1:00 – Whew! back at the computer where I belong. Actually do work related work for a little bit.
2:00 – I can’t stand it anymore, I need to be on the internet, Ahhhh…….. there we go, I’m looking at random pictures now.
2:30 – Search for random video clips, laugh my ass off at the idiots out there. Someone somewhere is being videotaped getting gravely injured so we can all laugh at them while they sit in the hospital for weeks. Thank You!
3:00 – Hit up the forums again, see who responded to what and reply accordingly.
3:45 – Check out the apartments for rent, shake my head at the lack of description in the ads. Post an ad for a cardboard box for rent, ask outrageous monthly rent and wonder why I get no responses.
4:15 – Check my emails again, nothing worthwhile, delete 100 newsletters from 75 different sites I have running accounts with.
4:45 – Get my last internet fix in before I have to leave to go home.
5:00 – ding, ding, ding! Bum rush the door and get the fuck out of the slave pen.
5:30 – heading for home, stop off at the grocery store for my weekly supply of hot pockets.
6:00 – Get home, immediately change into my pajamas since I’m not leaving the house for the rest of the night.
6:30 – Fire up the computer, get everything ready I need for a long evening in front of the monitor. Food, check. Water, check. Candy, check. Tissues, check. Okay, here we go!
7:00 – It still a little early for IM, only 5 of my 185 online buddies are logged on, I browse the personals to see if any new ads catch my eye. Nope, all the same ads from yesterday are still there, some of them are re-worded to make them seem like different people. Who are you kidding!
8:00 – IM starts consuming most of my time now, I talk to all my long time buddies I have never seen in person. Hey! What going on Frankie! I haven’t seen you in forever!! (literally)
9:00 – Get bored talking to the same old peeps, head off for the chat rooms.
9:30 – Start up a conversation with some girl with a screen name BustyBlond69. Come to find out she’s 45 yr old, married with 10 kids. People should not be able to pick there own screen names, its so deceiving.
10:00 – End up chatting with a few new people, one with a screen name PartyPants. I ask her if there is a party in her pants and if I’m invited. She responds with “LOL” haha how childish.
10:30 – PartyPants and I hit it off for a little while, I ask her over to a private chat room where we can get more intimate. I turn off the lights in my room and light a candle on my desk.
11:00 – By now PartyPants and I are getting it on. If I was with a real girl this would be considered foreplay. By now I have perfected my one handed typing skills and don’t skip a beat. I don’t even have to look at the keyboard anymore.
11:15 – Finish up with PartyPants and dump her as fast as you can click the little X in the upper right corner. I bet she feels so used right now. haha
11:30 – Say goodnight to all my online buddies I will never see, check my email one last time and head off for a relaxing nights sleep. Dream about computers and the internet all night long.