Dear person who broke into my car,
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There are a few things I wanted to ask you about, and then a few that I hoped to clear up for you since you obviously weren't aware of them when you broke in last night.
First, could you let me know if my car alarm went off? I am just curious why I even had it installed if it didn't go off last night. The second question relates to the first--if the alarm did go off, did you happen to see any of the 75 police officers that call the 3rd District Police Station home on Tuesday nights even look up from their card games to see the car that was parked directly in front of their place of civic service being robbed? If the alarm did not go off, did any of the 12 that sit in their police cars outside the station talking seem to notice the glass shattering throughout my vehicle? I mean, I know they are so busy fighting potential terror attacks that a simple robbery is nothing for them to get worked up about, but I am just worried about their reflexes, and wondering if they reacted at all.
I'm a little confused as to why you picked my car--did you misread what message a bumper being held up by duct tape and a side-view mirror hanging by a thread sends? Typically, it sends a message that says, "Hey, the person who owns this car is broke and can't even fix these semi-important items dealing with their vehicle, so therefore they probably don't have anything good inside." I guess you got a mixed signal with that, sorry.
Also, that coat that you took out of the back seat? Yeah, it's from Syms. It cost me $25. I don't care what the label is made to look like and what your pals tell you, it ain't designer. Did you really need a coat that bad as to smash my windows? If you did, I wish you would have just waited for me to arrive at the car then robbed me blind, instead of the auto glass repair shop doing it to my face. I could have bought you and 11 of your family members and best friends that coat for the same amount of money. Bummer we couldn't work that out.
Were you really pissed off when you opened up that black POS drawstring bag to find that it contained a sports bra that needs to be washed, running shorts and a water bottle with a leaky top? Yeah, I figured you were pretty upset from the way you dumped them out all over the street.
Anyway, I just really wanted to tell you that during this holiday season when we're all strapped for money, that I am sorry you chose the wrong car to break into last night, and that I couldn't provide you with anything more than a $25 Syms coat and some release for your frustration.
this is in or around 3rd District Police Station