With nearly a decade of varied sexual experience with a modest number of partners I’ve determined myself uncomfortable with a certain manner of coital conversing. Because I recognize that I will encounter more dirty talkers in my future sexual endeavors- because they mask themselves as intelligent men with impressive, or at least inoffensive, vocabularies- I can only hope to raise some awareness regarding appropriate conduct for the dirty talker in the budding sexual relationship. So fellas, please keep reading to ensure that we can come to a compromise in which you can run your filthy mouth without causing my vagina to clench up in sheer disgust.
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1. Start out easy. We’ve never done this before. I’m not going to venture into terribly adventurous behavior on our first romp, I figure if things continue to go well, we’ll get to that later. Don’t bust out with how your dick wants to fuck my moist pussy when all I’ve said since the removal of my underpants is “that feels nice.” Take her easy, friend, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
2. I’m going to get more comfortable with this as we go, because I realize you like it and I’m in this as much to please you as in pursuit of my own orgasm. But please don’t use any noun to refer to my anatomy that I don’t use first. I get to set the rules on what we call the vagina, because she’s mine and I have some respect for her. I’ll do the same for you- we can call your penis by any name you express appreciation for. There are lots of words out there I like to use for my vagina. There are a few that my vagina and I don’t like and don’t use and we don’t want to have sex with people who use them. Follow my lead, we’re going to build a colorful vocabulary.
3. Use this dirty talk all you want to make declarative statements and describe your fantasies, but please resist the urge to ask self-indulgent questions. “Do you like my cock?” is perhaps the most insecure and unsexy thing to throw in between the sheets. I’m probably going to let you know via moans, groans and declarative statements how I feel about your penis. At the moment that you ask, there is a chance I’m actually considering your penis. Perhaps I’m comparing it to others in the past, or thinking about how it’s larger/smaller/thicker than I expected. I also might be thinking about the surprisingly high quality of your bedding or the balance in my bank account. The fact is, I’m going to tell you how I feel about your penis when I want to, and when you ask me outright if I love your cock, I’m going to eek out a “yes” that I may or may not mean and resent the interruption. And, for the record, if this is not the first time we’ve fucked, I probably like your penis just fine, have no significant complaints, and find your fishing for compliments pathetic.
4. When the deed is done, acknowledge that our dirty dialog occurred. You can’t get up, hop in the shower, and drift off to sleep without recognizing that you’ve just disclosed your kinky little preference to me. I was there, I noticed, I participated, if you want me to increase my participation next time, now is the time to say “I like to talk dirty while we fuck.” Then I can make a joke, tell you it kind of turned me on, and we can go to sleep in relative comfort.
I leave you to figure the rest out on your own, boys. It’ll be fine, the quietest conquest can buzz with your brand of naughty sweet nothings if you stop to consider what you sound like in your lady friend’s ears. We’re girls, we want to pretend you respect us for the twenty minutes you’re thrusting into us. That doesn’t mean we can’t talk for a while about cocks and cunts fucking, it just means there’s got to be a little more thought put into how talking dirty is deployed.
And I’m on to you, CL community- please, no pictures, solicitations, propositions or erotica in my inbox. Thanks.