First off, I'd like to say that I really do like both of you a lot. Male dog, you are very cute and many people still mistake you for a puppy, even at your healthy age of seven years. Female dog, you too are quite attractive, although I understand your frustration when your little brother gets more attention. Generally, you are both very well trained and have great personalities. That being said, we need to talk about some of your behavior when your mother leaves town and you stay here at my apartment.
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Please stop pulling as hard as you possibly can every where we go. You stay here very rarely and you have absolutely no idea where I am about to walk you. Half the time you try to pull me down the wrong hallway on the way to the elevator. I understand that you simply cannot wait to get the smell of other dogs' urine and feces in your nostrils, but please let me be the brains of this operation. I promise your olfactory glands will not be disappointed.
Along that vein, please try to go more than five feet before you stop to smell something. I'm sure another dogs' excrement must smell fantastic on a bush, but it's called a "walk" for a reason. I want you to be able to get some exercise while you're here, but I didn't sign up for 45 minutes of stop-and-go traffic at 11:45 at night. Furthermore, please attempt to understand the limitations of your leash, as it is the same one you use when you're at home. If you can't get up the tree to chase a squirrel there and have given up trying to do so, you can't do it here either. There's no use trying to pull my arms from their sockets attempting it.
To the male one, when we are outside at night, there are no Delta Force soldiers waiting behind bushes to attack you if you stop to poop. You don't need to keep your head on a constant swivel and dart all over the damn place. Please focus on the task at hand and just poop. If I take you for a decent walk late at night and for whatever reason you don't poop, I will assume that you do not need to poop. Do not look plaintively up at me once we are eleven stories from outside and expect me to take you back down because you didn't go on your first try. You had multiple chances. Hold it.
Also, please stop prancing everywhere. It is painfully obvious that you were raised by a women. When you prance around on our walks, people automatically assume that woman is me. I don't like that.
To the female one, please stop eating other dogs' poop. It turns my stomach and I look like a jerk when I have to berate you in public. I promise that once we are back upstairs, I will feed you the same high-end dog food and treats your mom feeds you. There is absolutely no need to eat that funky-ass trail mix. I know Iams probably doesn't taste as good as the lower priced chow, but it has to be better than anything that has passed through the digestive tract of another living creature. And please understand if I don't want you to lick me...ever.
That's about it. Please try to follow these helpful suggestions in the future and enjoy the rest of your stay here.