Ursprünglich veröffentlicht: 2009-06-06 23:37 (no longer live)

Rant: Father's Day

My wife asks, "what do I want for Father's Day?"

Nice fucking question. My answer: fuck Father's Day. How about, every day:

--a little respect for the one who has to go out and bust his ass earning the money every day, taking risks and making tough decisions, then come home and raise the children because you collapse in front of the TV as soon as I come through the door (sure, I'll order dinner, AGAIN).

--not expecting me to raise you; you're an adult, complain to your fucking girlfriends instead of me and let me spend that time with the kids. They need my time more than you need my time. For fuck's sake, don't interrupt me when I'm with the kids (especially when I'm helping with their homework, god-almighty) crying with some bullshit about your best friend being a bitch. She IS a bitch, get over it.

--respecting the role that the man of the house plays (or should play): telling the kids the dog is dead, unclogging the toilet, doing the yardwork in 95 degree weather, holding the kid when the doctor sticks a huge fucking needle in him, bailing out the daughter at 2 am when her car breaks down, going to see the principal when there's trouble at school, trying to keep us out of hock and in our home. Doing all the dirty work that you can't or won't do.

--giving me five fucking minutes of my own time, just to read the goddamn newspaper. Yes, I'm ignoring you, take a hint.

--respecting the man who is household CFO by clipping fucking coupons, getting your hair cut at the mall instead of the fucking salon, making coffee instead of buying it at some overpriced cafe, wearing each piece of clothing more than three times, and not buying tons of shit online because you're depressed. We have no savings, barely making the mortgage, the 401K is bust, and retirement is closer than you think. We also need to teach our kids that you don't buy shit to solve your problems and that you can be happy without spending a lot of money. That's important, because more than likely our kids are not going to make six figures right out of school. And even if they did--money doesn't buy happiness (duh).

--teaching the kids to respect me by not fucking badmouthing me to them (yes, they tell me) and backing me up when I make a decision (you could make a decision every once in a while too, you know).

--teaching the kids to respect you by not acting like a fucking idiot, not letting them walk all over you, not letting them eat shit and sit in front of the TV all day.

--respecting the one who has to be every day the one with balls, drive, who has to be strong for the kids, set a good example, leave work for games and recitals when shit is going crazy at work, help the kids when they screw up, cheer for them when they do good, hold them when they cry, talk them through the disappointments, sacrifice everything for the kids when the chips are down, and never regrets it for even one second, because he loves them with an intensity that has no equal.

So: no fucking tie, cologne, golf balls, or any of that shit.

You know what I want on Father's Day? I want a card from the kids. I want to spend the whole day, uninterrupted, with them. Doing whatever. Maybe make some sandwiches and bike down to the river for a picnic. Take a frisbee and just hang out for the day. That would be great.

As for you, do whatever the fuck you want on Father's Day, but please for one day don't spend a ton of fucking money, stab me in the back, or undercut me as I try to lead this family. Maybe you can have your friend the bitch over for coffee while I take the kids out (you can make coffee at home you know, we have ground coffee and a coffee maker, I use it every day, you don't have to go to fucking Starbuck's and spend $20). And don't call me, my cell will be off.

And at the end of the day, I'd like to turn on the game, and raise a beer to all the good dads out there, the ones who are strong, live up to their responsibilities, kick ass or take a bullet for their kids when they have to, love their kids without limits, and manage to raise them with or without the help of a functioning co-parent. You guys rock.

The rest of you dads: fuck you.

Thank you.


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