Excellent career opportunity!!!
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Seeking Deputy White House Chief of Staff to take over all United States domestic affairs! Run the entire country from your office in the West Wing. Direct and instruct POTUS, CIA, and top journalists (NYT, Time, etc.) on all issues of national importance.
You must have excellent contacts with evangelical Christians, NASCAR fans, true patriots, and angry white males. You are equally friendly with billionaire corporate raiders, oil barons, and godless capitalists.
The ideal candidate is very comfortable speaking exclusively on "deep background" and avoiding public appearances. You are the kind of person who does not have to say anything publicly -- you make journalists, folks at town hall meetings, and American troops say it for you.
Note: We will only consider applicants with a flair for dramatic and patriotic settings, including but not limited to aircraft carriers, Mount Rushmore, Ground Zero, rustic ranches, and well lit statues (Liberty, Andrew Jackson, etc.). Need to be skilled at supervising POTUS bike rides, brush clearing, video conferences, and segway rides.
Experience with push polling and direct mail a plus.
Job may start as soon as NEXT WEEK!!!! Maybe even sooner. Please send your resume and references to email@example.com, with "Boy Genius" in the subject line.
The White House is an equal opportunity, affirmative action employer.