Dear Attractive Women's Union:
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i understand, and without hesitation, accept, your official letter of exile to spend the rest of my life in "Lonelytown."
in accordance with your rules, i have deleted my OkCupid account and will no longer write long Facebook posts about how bitter i am that women aren't interested in a scrawny writer who suffers from a history of sexual abuse and doesn't make up for it by playing guitar in a shitty band or tattoos. i will also no longer piss and moan about being stood up and ignored in favor of men with arms as big as my neck, who drive cars that cost more than my internal organs. i have, at long last, accepted that a career as a cartoonist and a writer is a lifelong commitment to celibacy.
i accept that, indeed, "confidence" is supposedly the trait considered most desirable in men as they approach members of the opposite sex, which is a trait that was never bestowed upon me from my upbringing nor earned from a life in poverty. i am, in a sense, confident that i am completely un-confident.
and so it is without hesitation that i will, postehaste, pack up my limited belongings and board the next Lonelybus to Lonelytown, where i will spend my days rotting in solitude next to the LARPers, "Bronies," and video game reviewers of the world. perhaps this exile will allow me the time i need to perfect my craft, and allow me the chance to write and create the works of art i aspire to make, without the constant distraction of feeling sexually and socially inadequate, as i approach the age wherein my friends get engaged or married or promiscuous or any combination thereof.
in accordance with the exile, enclosed you will find an urn containing the charred ashes of my penis, which was offered unto The Dragon of Solitude to be burned under the supervision of The Wizard of Low Self-Esteem, as per your instructions. also, as a token of my thanks, you will find enclosed a 25 dollar Target gift card.
i will begin my exile first thing tomorrow morning. if there are any errors in the paperwork, please respond before dawn, as i will be busy deleting my vast array of pornography before my departure.
- Location: who cares
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests