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An open letter to the riders of the TTC
I know the TTC sucks, but please just stop being inconsiderate assholes because you are making it suck more. We already have to deal with happenings out of our control, short turns, detours, 45 minute waits in sub zero temperatures, fare hikes etc. you’re making it worse, stop it. My feelings of hate can be expressed towards people who fall into the following 13 categories, a bakers dozen of douchebaggery if you will.
1) I don’t care what you’re listening to
Headphones were invented for a reason, so not everyone needs to listen to the bullshit music you listen to. I’m listening to my iPod too, but when I can hear your music over mine, we have a problem. And to whoever popularized the idea of downloading ‘true tones’ that sound like shit then playing them over and over for everyone to hear. If I ever find out who you are I am going to kill you, and it will be a slow painful death, similar to how I fell when having to listen to ‘Souldja Boy’ over and over again on a packed streetcar at rush hour.
2) Its called a shower bud
Look, soap has been around for hundreds of years . . . there is no niche market for soap, it’s pretty much universal, well, except in your case. But for the love of god if you don’t want to bathe do NOT come near me. There is a weird film all over you, and if you are close enough for me to see it you are too fucking close. No, opening the window does not help it just serves to circulate your stench so we can all now marvel in the wonder that is your body odor. I assume you have no friends because 1) If you did they would tell you to bathe 2) no one wants to be friends with someone who smells that bad. So please, be considerate, bathe or don’t use public transportation.
3) Woman with giant dog
You know who you are, and I know that’s not dog, it’s a fucking bear. I get it that pets need to be on the TTC that’s cool but please don’t let him sit on the seats, trust me he doesn’t mind the floor, he drinks from the toilet . . . or in this case the bathtub.
AWW spike thinks he’s people, yea that’s great lady but could you get him off the seat next to me because I’m afraid to give this dog anything that might be considered a bad look . . .
4) Video game kid
I hate you. I hate you for creepily looking at that 13-year-old girl with her mom. I hate your dirty teenage stash and I hate that you are wiping your sweaty hands on your pants every 4 seconds. But mostly I hate that you are standing in the MIDDLE of the aisle with your headphones on playing fucking bomberman (who plays bomberman anymore?) completely oblivious to the fact that people need to get by. If you want to be an obnoxious fuckhead go sit in the corner.
5) The woman who wants a seat
More specifically to the woman who wants the seat next to mine. Go away, its 6am, there are about 20 free seats in my line of sight but no, you want the one next to me. The one piled with my purse my lunch and my work clothes and my schoolbooks. What makes you think I’m going to pile all this shit on my lap just so you can have this particular seat? The public transit system does not revolve around you asshat. Find another place to sit.
6) Inconsiderate business jerk
Yes I see you in your suit with your murse, sorry, your ‘European carryall’ I'm sure you are important and have many important business like things to do, however, I am also sure I don’t give a shit. I understand you may need to take a call while on the streetcar it happens I get that but you do not need to call in to confirm your meeting at 9am, twice. If you were really that important wouldn’t you be driving a car to work as to not piss me off? Also, see that woman standing next to that seat your in. She’s not just fat, she’s pregnant, don’t look the other way so you don’t have to make eye contact and therefore don’t have to feel obliged to give up your seat. I know you saw her, we all saw her, she’s huge, and you’re an asshole.
7) To the guy oblivious to those around him
Hi, yea I guess you didn’t notice me; I’m the person whose face is shoved into your back. We are close enough for me to notice that you wear old spice (lame) but you still seem oblivious to my existence. I get that I’m a small person, but come on take two steps forward so I can at least stand like a normal person instead of having to perform awkward foot contortions just to avoid falling over at every stop. Oh, and when I grab onto you because I don’t want to fall on my ass. Don’t give me a weird look, just move out of my fucking way so I can grab onto the pole.
8) To inattentive parents and their brats
Oh yes look at your precious little one as he pulls my hair and screams for McDonalds. Isn’t that cute he’s figured out how to pull the cord so we now have to stop at EVERY FUCKING STOP. AWW isn’t he smart. Seriously lady I was a camp councilor and your child is still the worst behaved little bastard I’ve ever seen.
You are the reason I believe you must have a license to breed. Maybe at home you let little Timmy climb all over the place but this is PUBLIC transit tell him to sit down before I kick him. This is not his personal jungle gym, if possible place him in a window seat then you can seat your oblivious ass in the aisle seat as to barricade the little monster in there.
9) Pole monopolizer
You also fall into the category of oblivious asshole. Perhaps you do not notice the other people around you trying to shift their weight as to not fall over. Maybe you could move a little so we could share the pole? Perhaps you did not go to kindergarten . . . perhaps you are unaware of this concept of sharing. Its miraculous really, all you have to do is move the fuck over so I can grab the pole too. And to the people who lean on the pole, especially with their faces. I hope you put some Purel on that shit before you did that . . .
10) To those who exit at the front at major transfer points
Ok maybe you’ve never actually ventured to the depths of a streetcar but there is in fact at least one alternate exit, use it!
As per the signage you are to exit at the back, its really not hard, and in fact will benefit us all. See the group of people standing outside the streetcar waiting to get on? Those people have to wait at the front because they have to pay, not because they are wary of the stigma surrounding those who use ‘the back door’. I don’t understand how this concept is difficult for you; did you not enter the front of the streetcar? Don’t be a douchebag; it’s a major transfer stop get off at the back.
11) Movement inhibitors
I understand that the streetcar is a complex transit vehicle. It goes, then its stops, opens its doors, closes them again then proceeds to go. Like I said, very complex. What you may not know is HOW the streetcar knows to ‘go’ so let me lay down some knowledge. When you stand on the step the doors open so you can get out. If you continue to stand on the step the streetcar will think that you want to exit, thus, it will not ‘go’. So really this is not your fault but that of the oh-so intuitive streetcar. Bottom line; don’t stand on the steps unless you want to exit the streetcar. If there is no room and you are forced to stand on the steps this is a sign that the streetcar is in fact full. I suggest you exit and wait for the next one before I kill you.
12) People who don’t understand meaning of the word ‘public’
Lets get one thing straight, this is not your living room, bedroom, kitchen or personal space of any kind. This is addressed to you; girl who takes off her shoes and stretches at as if about to take a nap. No one wants to smell your rank foot stench and no one needs to know you wear mismatched purple socks. Also I know that were all busy people and sometimes we need to eat on the go. But I also know that there are transit friendly foods, those that only require the use of one hand, come in some kind of cup or thermos, have minimal odor and can be eaten at rush hour without pissing off more then two people. There are a plethora of one-handed foods available in the city, try one. And for the record sushi is not appropriate transit food, although I am impressed with your mobile chopstick control.
13) Those in need of anger management
First off, calm the fuck down. Yea you had a bad day and that person kind of bumped into you but I’m pretty sure it was not intentional; then again you are a complete ass and probably deserved it, so I take it back. That guy in the brown coat was biding his time, waiting for the perfect moment to make it look like an accident. And I get that short turning is a major pain in the ass, we are all annoyed but notice that you are the only one verbally expressing your anger. Do not get up and yell at the driver, do not spit at him or threaten to ‘teach him a lesson’ because being a TTC driver and having to put up people like you for a living has given this man enough inner rage to tear us all limb from limb without breaking a sweat. Do not test him.