Okay, now I know a lot of you are from out of town and still getting used to the transit system. I imagine it is a transition from getting a lift in your dad’s F-150 pickup truck or riding a donkey to market to riding in a big shiny new train. Do I sound condescending? Well, I yes I am. Tough shit, I am born and bred T.O., so here are some pointers when riding the subway in my hometown.
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1)Door Rushing: Let people get off the train before you get on. Yes, Red Rover was one of my favourite games in grade school too but at 7 in the morning it’s a bit much. We are all grown up now and should have a basic grasp of the logic of dynamic flows. People get off, THEN people get on.
2)Backpacks: Yeah you know who I am talking about. You, that guy with the mountain climber sized backpack stuffed full to the brim waddling onto the subway like some drunk-ass bear whacking everyone within a 3 foot radius of you. Take the fucking thing off asshole!!!! All of you who feel it’s necessary to fully strap on a backpack while in the city seem to forget you are wearing one while amongst a crowd. Get some fucking awareness of the world around you. You are no longer among the wide open spaces of Bumblefuck, Ontario.
3)Baby Strollers: What’s with the SUV baby strollers? Are you going to take your little bundle of precious DNA on a Himalayan expedition? WTF??? If you insist on pushing your kid around in a Hummer version of a baby stroller THEN AT LEAST PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!!!! Lady, your kid may be centre of your universe but everyone else does not give a shit. Make room.
4)Loungers: The subway is not your living room. Plant your ass in one seat and be considerate enough to the other passengers (especially the elderly and enfeebled) by not sprawling out across three seats as if it’s a couch. The subway is not British Airways Admiral Class with sleeper seats, it’s public transportation.
5)Spitting: There is nothing to be said about this. It’s just disgusting and you, (yeah you, you little white suburban wannabe ghetto rap star), ought to be forced to rub your nose in your own spit, much like a puppy that shit on the rug. You think it makes you tough, although I get the feeling that if you found yourself alone at night at Jane and Finch you would start crying for your mommy.
6)Headphones: You have headphones on. Do you really need to listen to your music at full volume with full bass? Turn it down a little for Christ’s sake!!! Why force everyone to listen to your personal taste in top 40 shit? And how are you going hear what the customer says when they tell you what they want on their burger?
7)Finally, just pay the fucking fare! This isn’t Istanbul! $2.75 is $2.75 so just pay it and stop trying to bargain with the ticket collector. And you, the 400 lbs asshole who was yelling that the turnstiles were too narrow, do some fucking aerobics and then maybe you won’t have to walk through the cargo gate.
That’s it, thank you and if I missed any other rules please feel free to add them on.