Hello buyers and thank you for coming to our garage sale.
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I know our newspaper ad and signs say that we open at 7 am, but if you arrive at 6:00, go ahead and ring the doorbell several times and peer into the windows until we answer. We’ll open up early for you.
Feel free to show up with your unleashed dog, and of course, let him poop in the front yard. Our lawn-boy will clean that up later.
For your convenience, we’ve taken the time to mark everything with a price. But go ahead and keep asking, “How much do you want for this?”
In the mood for a cigarette? Come into the garage and light it on up. Grandpa doesn’t mind if you blow the smoke right into his face. He’s only on an oxygen tank. It’s probably good for him anyway. And just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. We’ll take care of those for you too. It’s my mistake for not having an ashtray available.
And I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price. So let’s haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don’t have anything else to do today.
Also, pick up a bunch of items and then tell me what they remind you of. Be sure to tell me about every aspect of your life. Don’t leave anything out. I’d love to hear all about you. And when you put the item back, just throw it in a completely different spot, upside down or just all wadded up.
Your McDonald’s breakfast is going right through you, isn’t it? Of course you can come in and use our bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet for any prescription meds you might need. And there’s some spray up in the window in case you drop a deuce. Hope everything comes out ok!
Wow, you want to buy all of our grandmother’s antiques and at our full asking price?! Oh, but you don’t have any cash with you. Well yes, you can certainly write us a check and then drive off with the merchandise! No worries. I’m sure you’re an honest person. Next time, we’ll try to be prepared to accept credit and debit cards.
As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the salsa music and then lay a scratch as you drive away. It’s loud, but oh so cool. Have a great day!
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