Using the gloom of night, an FBI swat team
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staged a brutal attack on the headquarters
of Craig's List early today.
It was a hellish scene.
The FBI has obtained a court order compelling
Craig's List to reveal the screen name of the
"Amputated Leg" stalker. So far, executives at
Craig's List have refused to give up the name.
Craig's List is housed in a burnt-out, boarded-up
hovel in San Francisco's Tenderloin District. Four
FBI undercover cars, three SFPD prowl cars and one
sheriff's paddy wagon converged for the attack.
Two meter maids, Rhonda and Jeanette, blocked traffic
at either end of the street.
An angry crowd soon assembled. Some were waving signs
saying, "No more leg! No more leg!" and "Make Love,
not leg!" and "Elvis Lives!"
Two FBI agents broke down the front door with
battering rams. They bounded up the stairs to
the Craig's List office where the computer servers
are hidden. They were spotted by Mr. Craig, owner
of Craig's List. He sprinted over to the electrical
wall socket and threw his body on it, to protect
his computer's lifeblood, electricity.
The agents drew their stun guns. Standing on his
constitutional rights, Mr. Craig defied the agents.
He wrapped himself in an American flag and screamed,
"Shoot if ye must, this old, bald head, but touch ye
not the servers of mine list!".
In the commotion, a shadowy figure slipped out the
back door. It was later identified as an unpaid
intern, Geoff, fleeing with an armload of computer
discs. Police theorize the stalker's screen name is
on those discs. Geoff was seen boarding an N car
and heading toward the beach, but police assume
this was a diversionary tactic.
A reporter from the SF Examiner, posing as a real
journalist, hurried over to Hizzoner, Mayor Willie
Brown, for comment. Facing the microphone, Mayor
Brown said, "Who is this asshole...I mean citizen
Mr. Craig anyway? Why is he getting more attention
than moi? I want answers!"
Meanwhile, Geoff has not reported in for work today.
Friends who know him well predict he's lurking
in the Market Street Cinema, watching girly flicks,
and playing with himself.