are you lazy with potential? do you need that special friend to kick you in the ass and tell you to get off the couch? someone who knows that mac-n-cheese isn't a suitable meal but indulges with you anyway?
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i am nostalgic for my college days when i was surrounded by platonic male friends a plenty. yep, i said it, no sex. sorry kido, but think of the rich fantasy life you can indulge in...
why would you want such a sexual-tension based friendship? well let me tell you, i am the bomb-ass bitch! i have no problems reading maxim and playboy with you and watching fight club for the nine-hundredth time while eating pizza after not showering all weekend. i can give you great fashion advice that will help you win over the ladies but i won't force you to go shopping or ask you if my ass looks fat in these jeans.
more importantly, i can also offer you insight into the female mind and help strategize important moves like when to call to call your latest hoochie and how to get over that money-grubbing ho that dumped you. however, in return you will be expected to console me by calling my ex-boyfriend a myriad of names and threatening to kick his ass, even though we both know you never will.
interested? not sure? here is a list of things we could potentially do together:
-cooking lazy meals (i am not out to impress you so think inside the box, the kraft box)
-dog walking (yeah, i have a couple of low maintenance pooches that like to follow me around. i will even loan you one or both of my dogs to walk around lake merritt and cruise chicks)
-sunday night tv
-and occasionally, if i am in the right mood, i will clean your house (no guarantees that your collection of beer bottles that inhabit your stained living room carpet floor will survive)
and here are some things we won't be doing:
-dancing (it is hard to get me that drunk without passing out)
all that being said, i am in my late 20s, professional, pretty darn cute and wicked as hell (in an endearing fashion). i hope that you are at least in your mid-twenties (let's face it, if i were looking for 19 year old stoners, i would cruise telegraph ave) and appreciate friendship based loosely on sarcasm. also, you shouldn't really believe that all women are bitches, hoochies, or any other name i referred to (your bitch-ass ho of an ex-girlfriend not withstanding).