I make the headline even nastier and you still look. Geez. Bunch of sickos, you people. But I guess I wasn't convincing enough yesterday, so the offer still stands:
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I'll give you lap dances if you really want them, but trust me, you really don't want them. I've got my own zip code, people, and some of the suburbs are in bad shape, if you know what I'm saying.
I'm looking for any number of tickets (preferably two, since I don't want to be fielding any lawsuits like this) to tonight's Game 5. Or the ones in Anaheim, for that matter, I'm up for a drive. I've always wanted to go see that giant mouse everyone's always talking about. I'm not going to pay scalpers fees because first of all I'm poor, second of all I'm cheap, and third of all I don't believe in it, but I can give several compelling reasons why you'd be better off selling them to me at face. SOMEONE out there has got to take me seriously... I am not making any of this up:
1) Avoid Severe disfigurement. One of the most deadly(1) afflictions to plague man in this day and age is the dreaded Carpel Tunnel syndrome. The most common cause of this is typing without being in the proper ergonomic position. And I can see you right now, slouched over the keyboard, wrists bent uncomfortably, using some standard issue microsoft mouse that is causing you pain, even though you don't know it yet. Well, except for you over there in your fancy pants Aeron. (2) And do you know what? If you post an ad to sell tickets, you're going to get flooded by emails. And you're going to have to reply to these emails. And you're going to do a lot of typing. Or dialing, as the case may be. And soon thereafter, another hundred emails will come in with higher offers, and you'll have to repeat the whole process. This unending stream of email will be the end of your life as you know it. You'll soon be a worthless crippled mess, unable to perform basic functions like holding a remote control, gripping a beer, driving a car, or wiping yourself. As a result of said problems, your social life will undoubtedly suffer, forcing you to revert to other means of entertainment. But with those hands, you're not even going to be able to... (3)
2) Be seen with a real, actual celebrity. You think I'm just hiding behind an anonymous email address to avoid spam? Of course not! When you're as well known as I am, you can't just give out your email address.... you'd run the risk of the horrors I described above. And that just won't do. I promise you, I'm world famous. I'm an internet celebrity the likes of which you'd be lucky to meet, let alone potentially watch a game with.
I'm not kidding.
Don't assume that all celebrities have the disposable income to pay scalper prices (Haven't you ever seen behind the music?) and don't pass up this once in a lifetime chance to share your tickets with someone whose face just might get shown with yours on TV, in FOX Extreme CloseupTM camera technology.
As an added bonus, if you desire, we can make a grand entrance by helicopter, landing in center field. However, if we're arrested, I'm totally blaming you and pretending I was kidnapped.
If celeb stalking and starfucking aren't your cup(s) of tea, ....
3) I am a Master of Disguise. Looking to show off to your friends by arriving with a stunning busty blonde? I'm all over it. My sagging man breasts can, with the proper support, be shaped into supple feminine curves. A tuck here and a kimono there and I've got a body to die for. It's friggin cold at PacBell so it's not like I'll need to show cleavage (though I will shave my chest if it suits you), and with a wig and a bit of makeup, BAM, I'm Heidi Klum. Or at least Anna Nicole Smith.
Need male company? Well then there's no disguising required. I'm all man baby. And damn good looking to boot. Again, creative undergarments can shape my body into the shape of a gym rat, a physique that will match my shockingly attractive face. And since we're going for appearance here and not the actual thing (now you'll need to pay attention here, especially those of you that were more interested in the previous paragraph - there're ground rules with regards to touching, licking, pleasuring, etc. Sorry to disappoint but I have to draw the line somewhere.(4)), then we're all set.
All other forms of dream dates can also be impersonated. I've passed for a grandmother, a grizzly bear, and a circus midget before. I'm telling you, I'm good at this. And when it comes to Giants tickets, I'm not above any kind of humiliation.
4) I will do any of the following already proposed activities: Take a good beating, give a good beating, videotape a good beating, testify about a good beating, donate sperm, bear (5) your child, babysit, design websites, give you a job (6), date your ugly sister, date your hot sister, walk your dog, clean up after your dog, clean up after your sister, date your dog, cut your hair, serenade you, write a movie script about you, etc. Like I said, I'm not above any kind of humiliation (7). And I can take a beating way better than this guy. Additionally, I will sing your praises to anyone and everyone who will listen while at the game. Hell, I'll streak the field with your name on my ass cheeks.
5) I'll streak the field with your name on my ass cheeks.
Sorry, that one just needed its own header.
6) You will avoid all future curses, plagues, hexes, spells, and jinxes. My sisters a witch. She's got all those books of spells and weird plants and died hair and wears all those funky mesh clothes. She drinks bat blood. I swear to God she knows everything about magic and all that. She can issue a mean curse. One time she turned me into a horse. I'm not saying she'll do the same to you but she'd definitely be a good person to have on your side, eh?
7) I cook a mean spaghetti. I'll make you dinner, and you'll love it. It'll be the best you've ever had. You just think I'm some poor sap bachelor who can't cook, but really, I am a master chef.
8) There is no number 8.
9) I know every line of every Seinfeld. This has to count for something. I've been trying to find some reason that this might be useful, and maybe it's this. (though I doubt it.)
10) Two words: Free Beer.
I'm really getting tired of typing (don't want to fall prey to #1!) but there are many more good reasons why I, and not someone willing to pay more, deserve your extra tickets. I'll be happy to undergo rigorous phone interviews, background checks, physicals, and stupid human tricks to answer any remaining questions that you may have. Just click on that friendly and approachable anonymous email link above to make contact, and ensure that you'll get the most in exchange for your tickets.
What are you waiting for? Think of all the joy that I can bring! I promise you, I'm not kidding!
(1) this may be a slight exaggeration; actual medical data is not available to support this claim.
(2) really though, who spends 500 dollars on a chair?
(3) I'm not going to go there but use your imagination...
(4) Unless you're hot.
(5) (arrange for the adoption and delivery of)
(6) only if you have 5 years previous experience with lawn care and 4 solid references
(7) I mean, really, look at this damn posting
it is ok to contact this poster with tickets to sell at face value