Welcome to Cafe Cacophony! So good to see you.
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No, Craig isn't here, but he does occasionally drop by... when there's a rowdy or two that need to be reminded of the House Rules. Won't you take off your coat?
It's a slow day here at the Cafe, being a holiday and all, but there's still quite a few characters lurking about. Have a piece of chocolate cake and I'll give you a few pointers about our little community today. A latte, for me? Why thank you, that's splendid!
Now don't you worry about the young woman at table five... she's had a rough time lately but our community's been very supportive. She's trying to get a whole new identity, to disappear, but it's quite hard to do that, don't you think? Even when she does accomplish it, our young college student over there will want to know if her new identity is the same as the one she'll present on the internet. But don't worry, as I said. The lesbian sitting with her is packing heat, or so I hear.
Now over there behind the chatty group of brainstormers and consumer advisors is a young man with a story to tell. He's just finished predicting the "Economic Resolution" and is busy licking envelopes and sticking dollar bills in them. Go ahead and join him, if you wish, but be careful. What he describes is pretty much a Ponzi or pyramid scheme, designed to be legal just like an escort service that says you're 'paying for time', not 'paying for sex'. Either way, you get fucked. OH, pardon my French. Really not like me at all. Anyway, go have fun with him, but just don't tell him that schemes like his have been going on since the 1950s, or that 'Economic Revolution' is probably what he actually means... that much will be our little secret, hmmm?
Now that cranky bunch (oh my, a pun!) in the corner are getting a little boisterous, so you may meet Craig after all! They seem to be fighting over whether or not Cafe Cacophony should be used to solicit drugs, openly or otherwise. Don't let them get you down... see those little flags by the door? Yes, the ones with the shiny tips. Just grab one of those lawn-dart-sized ones and aim well, if you'd like them to settle down. Alternatively, there's always the heat-packing lesbian again, but she might only take out half of them, and who knows where she stands when the clock strikes 4:20?
Occasionally some poor unfortunate will wander into the Cafe looking for a handout. My advice to you, my young friend, is don't sit by the door; but if you do feel compassionate, give them some of your cake. Don't send money, though, it will only encourage them to come back.
I hope you enjoy your stay, but be careful not to linger too long! One never knows when the 'angels of light', 'channeled message prophets', or 'Bush isn't the President' people will come back. Best not to truck with people in an altered state, I always say. Oh, and if you see someone staring at you and typing madly on a laptop, don't worry, don't be afraid. Just pay attention to what they look like and then when you get home, check back with the Cafe to see if anyone's reported a Missed Connection that bears a resemblance to you. You never know, sometimes it happens!
Well, I must depart. No, the person who just walked in shouting about Thailand reminds me I need to wash the cat. Thank you for the latte, and feel free to use my soapbox here to present ideas of your own to the Cafe. What? Oh, no, I won't be needing it. Besides, they don't allow passengers to carry such things on the N-Judah.
TTFN! See you anon!