I need a whip-cracker, an ass-rider, some wicked tough-love. I've gotten soft and pathetic like over-ripe fruit and I need a hard-line guru to oversee my impending physical transformation. The right candidate will be able to:
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1) show up at my house at dawn and turn the hose on me if I am too lazy to wind-sprint my way around the neighborhood
2) follow me in a jeep while I jog, licking my heels with a whip and barking directives that strike a delicate balance between abuse and inspiration
3) yell "Balls to the Wall! Balls to the Wall!" without making me laugh and drop a weight on my foot
While I prefer to pay for the services of a Greek warrior-type already in fighting form, I am open to trading services with another jiggly-assed sloth provided you are not some easily distracted, fly-by-night maker of life changing decisions. I am looking for committment here.
If you've got the boot, I've got the ass...