Originally Posted: 2002-08-19 2:11pm
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Guys, guys, guys - here's some basic fashion tips. Don't EVEN bother posting a MC if you fall into ANY of these categories:

Clothes and Cars:

  1. Cutoff-jeans. No excuse. Even if you're homeless or come from Marin.
  2. Socks with sandals. Even Jesus didn't do it, so neither should you.
  3. Biking clothes. Leave the Lycra ™ at home unless you're planning an audition for a Village People's ™ tribute band AND want everyone to think you do your laundry with a sponge.
  4. Tank tops. Pur-lease. If you're taking your fashion tips from Bobby of the Brady Bunch you're a loser. Please don't. Especially if you've got braces. Even your sister won't take you to the prom.
  5. Tiny little Speedo ® swimming trunks. See # 3 above. Also, although packaging is a critical part of presentation, showing off your meat and two veg is just plain GROSS. Even Richard Simmons ® has better taste than you.
  6. Tracksuits. I'm sorry, but the 3-Stripe ™ black track suit with Oakley ® wraparounds and the mobile phone clipped to your waist firmly belongs with Dimitry behind the wheel of a yellow cab. Arbeit nacht macht trei stripen - you look like you're on welfare.
  7. Backwards-turned NYC baseball caps. There's a reason the peak is at the front. It's to hide the way your eyebrows meet in the middle. Use it.
  8. Ohio State sweat shirts. If there's a reason you had to go there, it's best not to disclose it except to a qualified mental health professional.
  9. Those ghetto "gangsta" ™ pants that hang down around your knees. If you can't get to grips with the technical requirements of fastening a belt buckle it's unlikely any woman will believe you're an Oracle ® database architect...
  10. Anything by "Dickies" ™. You can drop the second syllable.
  11. Toy cars. Any of those Asian boy-racer Acuras ® / Honda ® CSX's / Civics / Accords ® / Mazda ® Miata / insert name here cars with 40 grand worth of plastic spoilers, a stupid rev counter the size of the clock hanging around Flavor Flav's neck, a shiny exhaust that makes a big vroom-vroom sound from 4 cylinders, and the Kanji writing that looks like it's been lifted from a Clement Street Dim Sum operation makes you look like a certifiable Grade A cretin. Anyone who spends 40K on a 15K car when you can buy a second hand Boxster for 35K needs to re-take Math 101 and/or get a job with Enron ®. Leave back that "Fast and The Furious" video to Blockbuster ™.
  12. NYPD t-shirts. Who cares if tenth grade was the best three years of your life?

E-mail: fashionpolice@youdontknowshit.com

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