I take the MUNI every fucking day, both ways to work and back. Its been going 4 months now, and while it seems like a good relationship, I'm starting to notice the cracks underneath your air of cool.
1. You are unreliable at best. I say, "OK, honey, I really need you to get me to work on time today, there's shit I need to do." Your response is to call ahead to your friends and make sure they're clogging up my path. Alternatively, you quite literally put the brakes on my route and refuse to start up again. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. When we got together, it was your *promise* to me that you would drive me wherever I wanted to go. If you're going to back out, just say so. I'll understand.
2. Asian ladies. We seriously have beef. I've noticed that being an unassuming white girl with a crossword and headphones make me a desireable seatmate but you people are hostile as all fuck. You sit down and then battle me for elbow space, which is a fucking joke since I prefer the window and usually lean against it. You already have some of my designated elblow room but yet you want more.
3. Umbrellas, people. Guess what? If you're carrying an umbrella, it is almost certain that there is moisture on it. Wanna know why? Cause its fucking raining out. I haven't consulted anyone on the proper etiquette regarding umbrellas on public transportation but I am pretty sure that you DO NOT put the umbrella down on the seat next to you, creating a massive puddle in the ass-dent so that no one can use that seat. Its a clever maneuver, for sure, but it makes me want to pick-pocket your transfer and watch you get slapped with the +$100 dollar fine.
4. Homeless people. PLEASE FUCKING SHOWER AND THROW UP BEFORE YOU GET ON THE TRAINS. Not in that order. I would prefer you throw-up and then shower, but that's just me. You smell bad. You fight with passengers. You get kicked off the train while we get handed an exorbiant fine to cover all your free rides. People are not clearing away from you because they don't like you -- they are clearing the car because you smell like shit, quite literally.
5. The people-watchers. Myself included. I propose rules for people-watching. The rules should go like this: You may stare at whomever you want for as long as you want until they see you staring and stare back. This is not flirtation, this is someone silently pleading for you to stop fucking staring at them as its making them uncomfortable. I know some of you think you can hide behind wearing sunglasses, but more often than not I can see your eyes and know you're staring at me. Disengage your gaze until I stop staring at you. Got it?
6. Drivers. Learn how to operate the fucking train/bus AND THEN drive it. Particularly, your braking and acceleration tactics need serious work. Oh, and chances are that the e-brake didn't trip itself. Watch where ya put your hands.
7. Surfers. Not with surfboards, but people who while they have ample places (poles, "oh-shit" handles, etc) to put their hands and steady themselves choose to surf instead. Because of the failure of drivers (see #6) to properly stop and start moving, you usually totally wipe out. It's not gnarly. I see you laugh it off but you know that pregnant lady in front of you? You damn near aborted her baby. Quit it.
8. Freaks. If you don't want people to gawk at you stop dressing like a side-show act.
9. Cellers. You know who you are and thanks to your indiscretions, not only do I know your credit card, frequent flyer, phone and social security numbers, I also know where you live, why your last three relationships fell apart and that your Uncle Earl molested you. I am also becoming fluent in Angry Cantonese thanks to the Asian ladies who scream into their phones.
10. Serious business folks. I appreciate and understand that you have a job that requires you to dress like a fucking monkey. I don't. Your donning of a three-piece suit, incessant use of your Palm and/or laptop do not make you better than anyone or warrant you having more space than anyone else.
11. MUNI Officers. I'm really fucking sorry that there was no way that I could get on the front fucking car and that my skills in MUNI pass hunting are still developing. I don't hate you for doing your job. I hate you because you wouldn't have taken that job if you weren't a total fucking cock to begin with.