Hey Roomie,
How are things going? I know we seldom get to talk,
what with us both being so busy and seldom around
the apartment at the same time. I do fear that it is
time for us to have a serious talk. An awkward one,
probably not unlike ones you had as a child when you
learned the truth about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter
Bunny. But here we are, in our thirties, and I find
myself with the unfortunate task of dispelling a few
more myths about the creatures who live amongst us,
but are never seen...
The Hair Plug Elves that clean our shower. Perhaps
this is one that your roommates in college got you
started on. Here is the sad fact: there really isn't
an elf that stops by every few days and takes hair out
of the drain because human hair is a commodity at
Elven arts and crafts shops.
Light Bulb Gnomes. At a young age, you took the first
step and figured out the burnt out light bulbs can't
possibly fix themselves, thus the creation of the Light
Bulb Gnome. This mysterious, selfless character waits
for you to signal that a bulb is burnt out (by leaving
a switch in the on position for 48 hours) and comes
along and happily inserts a new one. Free of charge to
us! Sorry to break this one to you, but like the shower
elves, they don't exist. Wanna know a secret? It's me.
And I buy the bulbs at the hardware store.
The Chinese Menu troll. I'm sure this one was explained
to you shortly after moving into your first San Francisco
apartment. Thank God for this always curious and resourceful
creature who kindly removes any printed material that
mentions sweet and sour pork from our front door. Take a
seat. I do this. Usually about the same time I sort the mail.
There are a few others that I don't have time to go
into (seems I spent my Sunday cleaning the apartment):
The Recycling Separator Fairy (whose schedule is conveniently
similar to the Hair Plug Elves), the Cat Vomit Pixie,
and the Leprechaun who seems to notice when we are about
to run out of toilet paper.
None of them exist. Sorry. Your childhood is over.
Thanks,
Roomie
P.S. The Lint Trap Genie is real. Don't even think about
touching it. (How do you think Santa can afford to make
all the sweaters he delivers?)